New here - H's MLC hit like a ton of bricks

[LiveNow]

Well, it's been quite some time since I've posted, almost 2 months, and 1 year since BD. This is going to be a long one, so please, bear with me. I so badly need to get this out. It's been a very rough week.

Things are slowly starting to change. H has been living with his sister for one year now, rent free. He wanted to come over to talk last Monday, so I met him here at our house after work.

He explained that his sister and her husband have sold their house and are moving into an apartment temporarily while they look for another house. That left H on his own. He said he intends to rent an apartment but hadn't found one yet for under $700/month. This was 2 days before they were due to move out of the house. I suspect he was hoping I would offer to let him stay here temporarily, but I did not. He cannot do that while seeing OW. That is just not possible for me.

Then he mentioned that he had retained an attorney and she would be sending me a letter to start the divorce process (although he still has not uttered the word 'divorce' and neither have I). He then wanted to just sit and chat about whatever. Like we are good friends and that we didn't just discuss DIVORCE, and that that's ok with me.

Wanted to hear about my recent trip to see family, talked about his brother's latest shenanigans, told me about his job search, told me he is seeing a counselor (he must have JUST started, because I have seen NO paperwork from the insurance company), told me he had a suspect health test that the doctor was somewhat concerned about, asked about my family I had just visited, how's my job, said he's reading a religious book 'with' a friend of his, etc., etc.

I tried SO hard to DB, sit there and listen. I was able to listen, but I found myself almost unable to respond to anything, and certainly not validate anything. All I kept thinking was that he just doesn't deserve to know anything about me - or my family - anymore. He walked away from that a year ago. The thought of being his "friend" just makes me sick to my stomach, considering what he has done over this past year. I was not mean, but I volunteered very little information and kept my answers polite but short.

Then, he apologized (more than once) for not being a good husband and not communicating well, and said that he thinks that the failure of our marriage is 90% his fault (some months ago it was around 50-50). I couldn't even respond to that. I have said 'I'm sorry' about 50 times over the past year, and, at least in the beginning, took the blame for much more than I should have. I just could not apologize even one more time. He left and said his usual 'have a good night'. Ugh. Like he's talking to a business client or something.

3 days later I received the letter from his attorney, which said something like 'H would very much like this process to be amicable, after such a long life together. He wants us to continue on 'good terms,' blah, blah. I immediately called my attorney, who I will be meeting with this week.

So that is finally where we are. I think I have finally given up hope for us. Maybe I am jumping the gun, since this is quite significant MLC, and the craziness will continue. I just am so TIRED, literally. I look at myself in the mirror and I look 5 years older. My DivorceCare group friends are all moving on, all now divorced, and I find myself wanting to start to date again too as i hear their stories.

Something weird: we have a vacation home. He asked me who our propane carrier was, and I said I don't think we should fill up the tank (to the tune of hundreds of dollars) - I was hoping we could sell it by the time the weather turns colder (so we don't need a fill-up). He texts me 'Ok, I didn't realize you wanted to sell it.' Now, I ask you, WHY on this green earth would I not want to sell it if (1) we are getting a divorce, (2) he doesn't use it, (3) I don't use it, and (4) he knows I wouldn't want to keep the house myself?? Really, I was floored by his comment. I really, truly feel like he is not playing with a full deck, even though he SEEMS to be starting to finally look inward and realize his part in the demise of our relationship. Then, while we are e-mailing back and forth about this (not texting), he sends another e-mail saying he is 'in a meeting'. I do not respond. (What relevance does this have?) Then, another, different e-mail 20 minutes later saying he is 'in a meeting right now'. He takes every opportunity to tell me he is doing something important.

I just keeping shaking my head and wracking my brain to try and make sense out of the weirdness. He still seems so scattered, lost, still angry with me even though he says he takes 90% of the blame now.

I still love this man, after everything he has done. That is the craziest part of all of this. I feel his pain, believe me, I do. I experience some of the very same pain. But I am finding it almost impossible to say a kind word to him anymore. I just don't say anything anymore, really. I just can't bring myself to. He has put me through so much, and he still does not think of his adultery as wrong. He feels his behavior is justified.

Have I hit a wall? Is this what it feels like to stop standing? I know many of you have been able to maintain a friendship with your H or W, despite these same circumstances, but HOW? How do you ditch the anger YOU surely have (even if you also have compassion) and be a friend? I just don't know how to do this. I wish I could, because he says it's so important to him to remain friends. (I believe he wants to do this to alleviate some of the guilt of having done what he's done.)

I can use ANY tips anyone has. I am at the end of my rope and I fear that I will soon just let the volcano blow. I haven't done that yet, only in a letter back in March - which, by the way, resulted in us stopping almost all communication. So, it seems, the ONE time I told him how I REALLY felt about all of this, it made him so angry he stopped talking to me altogether and soon thereafter (April) told me he wanted to 'end the marriage.' That letter contained alot of truth. He had to face the truth about himself and what he has done. That's what pushed him over the edge.

My friends and family so kindly continue to listen, and I am so grateful I have them, a counselor, and this board to vent. God help us all. I pray for strength every day.