GAL plans this weekend. What's up guys?

[KGirl]

If you can find it (my local library had it), there's a book called "I love you, but I don't trust you" that has some very helpful points about rebuilding a relationship and trust after betrayals. One of the points that came to mind when I read your recent posts was that the betrayed spouse (we'll call your W the betrayed spouse here since she's bringing up grievances from the past that have hurt her) needs to hear the other spouse tell the betrayed spouse's story, so that she gets that you truly understand her. The book talks about how when the betrayed spouse starts rehashing the same things over and over, often it's because the other spouse's response is along the lines of "Yeah, I understand, and I'm sorry, BUT.." or proceeds to tell their side of the story/why they did it. What the betrayed spouse needs to hear is a recount of what you did and how it hurt them, or their story - not your side of the story, not justifications, not excuses. For example: "Yes, I was really poor at communicating. I didn't do X/Y/Z when what you wanted was A/B/C. You felt unheard and etc. etc. etc.... what can I do differently to in the future?" Another way I've heard such a response put here on the boards is "Yes, I'm so sorry for that hurt and pain I caused before. I can't change the past, all I can change is the future, so going forward what else can I do differently?" - but maybe put in a little more reflection/acknowledgement of what she told you she felt in the past.

You said "It's at the point she's always repeating herself and seems to be trying to re-tell things in response to my side of the story." I can see why she's repeating herself - she wants to know that you understand HER side of the story. She doesn't want your justifications. If my H was telling me his side of the story in response to things I was trying to explain to him, I would NOT feel like he really understood where I was coming from or that he hurt me, but was instead trying to make excuses for himself. Granted I don't know how much you guys have already talked about, but the book I mentioned may be helpful in this situation.