Line in the sand

[mustardseed]

Mustardseed, I'm sorry that got so ugly. I'm not familiar with addiction issues so I won't comment on his state of mind at all, or what the right approach wrt that is.

I can say a thing or two about detachment, though.

First, I think what you're saying to your kids is right. It's really hard to parent through these experiences and I think your honesty is helpful and healthy for them. You are a good mom.

Second, detachment is all about letting him own his stuff without it impacting your state of mind. How are the financial issues and the R issues intertwined? If he's still at home and hasn't made a move to D, then what can't continue going forward? Even things like renewing a policy can be done in uncertainty -- they would be reworked in a D, but if he hasn't done anything about getting a D then you have at least several months to work with.

It is crazy hard to detach while you are still living together. I personally couldn't do it, so I really feel for you. But if you can get yourself to a place where you see him as a crazy roommate, it might give you the perspective you need to feel more detached and not rise to his bait. If there is a way you could get away for a few days I would do it. If his words and actions don't match up then you need to give yourself the space to really know that in your bones and establish a strategy for dealing with it that will give you peace.

Best to you, I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you for your encouragement and insight. I don't know what happens with these money conversations. I think I am angry and I try to stay focused just on the issue, but I'm sure my disgust at his carelessness shows through, so he gets defensive and mean and tries to turn it back on me and I always end up taking the bait. I guess the goal for me is to not take the bait.

Today I couldn't handle the tension and I asked him, "do you think we can ever get to the point where we can talk to each other without getting defensive? Because I know I keep slipping into that mode." And he said, "yes" and talked a little bit about the shame he is feeling about some of the things I've been calling him out on. It was a very brief conversation but I think it was positive. And he paid me back the money for the bank overdraft fines. So things may or may not be better, but I am feeling better. Now I just have to remember your words about detachment. Not letting his actions and words effect me emotionally. I can't get sucked in anymore.

The only bad thing about today is that now I am back to being hopeful we might be able to work this out, and that is not a good place for me to be because that is when I stop setting boundries. I still have so much work to do on myself before I can contribute to a healthy relationship with him or anyone. I'm a pushover, until I lose it and become a raving lunatic. What I need is balance. Healthy balance. Feel angry but deal with it appropriately. Not ignore it, and not let it overtake me.

Ugh, right now the money issue is the biggie for me. I think I said my piece and finally feel like he hears it and understands where I am coming from, so now I can stop trying to defend myself or pile the blame on him and just deal with the issues without the emotion. At least that is what I hope I can do.