I got an email back from H. thanking me for the birthday wishes and the card I sent.
Every brief email stings, as does every email that doesn't include a pet name, or an "I love you", or any of the other things we used to say to each other, and that I used to believe. Until this all went down, I was still thrilled every time he called me "baby", or told me how much he loved me, or said something special just to me. I haven't had that in months.
I think this is part of the reason it feels like such a challenge to keep things as light and neutral as possible when in contact, and to keep contact minimal. When he does it to me, it hurts something fierce - I miss his emails in general, and all the special things in them. I still care about him and don't want to hurt him or leave him feeling unloved. Sending brief, to the point emails - particularly after sending very few emails at all - feels like I'm doing exactly that.
But that might be projecting my feelings onto him. It might also be making assumptions about how he feels. It's entirely possible that he's just fine (which would be kind of lousy), or missing me, or protecting himself by keeping up his walls, or any one of many other options. All I know is that it hurts on this end, and it feels like I'm hurting him, too, which is the last thing that I've ever wanted.
No, I won't be doing anything about feeling this way, other than keeping up with improving myself. I just need to think it through and write it down and acknowledge what I'm feeling.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
