Finding my way - part 3

[Meghan]

TO: I'm not really the most straightforward person, particularly in relationships. I've been backing off and enabling a lot over the last four years, and I've been afraid to speak up and say, "hey, this needs to change". I don't really know why this is, but we're going to be talking about it in IC. It's probably a few things. It might be partly the after effects of my last relationship which was emotionally abusive. Might just be me being really, really conflict averse. Or, it might be that I don't do well in most arguments and feel like when I've made points about relationship problems I've been argued or guilted down.

I think I've also expected him to step up and fix some issues because it's the right thing to do, not because I tell him to. I gave him permission to turn down a job a few years ago because he complained a lot about it and I felt guilty about him taking a job that he clearly didn't want (dumb, dumb, dumb on my part). But I still feel like he should have stepped up and taken it or gotten another because he should be working. I shouldn't have to have been the one responsible for making him take the job, so saying "this is an issue" feels like spelling out the basics of life to him. But that might not be fair.

As for the OW question, there was an 18 year old he was talking to online a lot that seemed rather like an EA to me. He swears they're just friends, and most of the time I'm inclined to believe that now. But there was a two or three month period where the frequent chatting, sharing intimate details of our life, and claims that she makes him feel "worthwhile" and like someone's on his side and supporting him had me pretty freaked out and thinking otherwise.

OW or not, though, I really didn't expect any of what's been going on for the last few months, particularly in terms of how he seems to see me now. Talking to him you might think I was a selfish, self-serving, unsupportive person. I'd like to think he knows me better than that, could see what I've done for him, and would give me the benefit of the doubt enough that he'd be willing to work with me, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I've been taking the fake it until I make it approach, too - it was the best I could manage at first, but there are ways it's gotten a bit easier. I've been picking up some old hobbies I've let slide and looking into a few new ones that I might be interested in - learning is a good distraction for me, so I'm considering joining a local wind ensemble or quilting group. I'm normally not much of a shopper, but getting a few new dresses and some fresh makeup did give me a bit of a confidence boost.