1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

Thanks CMF. I've been off and on with prayer of a loving H. I was reading a chapter daily, now it's intermittent. Thanks for the kick in the rear, I'll start daily again.

I too have a standard therapist and a DB coach. Have used both since week 1. At first I was doing both weekly, now they're both bi-weekly and I alternate like you for similar reasons. My therapist helps me with me, my DB is my relationship guide.

My wife is a saint...but not perfect. The surface is misleading. She was co-dependent with me, and her role was to be the noble martyr. So she suffered silently, caregiving for me and the kids. So that's not necessarily who she is, and now that cycle has been broken I'm sure she's transforming into someone ready to stand up And voice her opinions and needs. The D is just an example. Fun y thing is I like her more like this. I felt lonely during the R because I felt she was a shell of a person at times. She was raised in a house with a lot of anger and has PTSD. So she's been very timid, she learned to be a pleaser to be accepted. My dad told me a heartbreaking joke about a guy who says to his angry wife "I like you like this!" And she replies "well, goodbye!"

But while that is superficial the reason I think she really is a saint is that beneath this all she has tremendous character. She has voiced her hurt and why she is angry and fed up with me. But only because it had to boil over for her to speak up. Since then her behavior has been very reasonable and well intended. She has strong values and wants me to be involved with the children. She wants to keep things friendly and stay friends. She is a perfect mother. She isn't doing a thin destructive but is focused on her healing and growing stronger.

The only things I am frustrated with her about I may have caused. I am angry she walked away, but I put her in so much pain she couldn't go on. I am angry she didn't voice her concerns so I could hear them, but I was too scary/intense for her to come out of her shell and dismissed what she did communicate because it threatened me getting what I need. I am angry at how little she put into the R. But I was impossible to please and not affirming, so I did nothing to encourage her. I am angry she didn't understand how important a good sex life is to me, but I lived in a world of porn which skewed my priorities and expectations, and needed more than was reasonable for her to give. Funny thin is that during the R what I really wanted is for her to need/respect/admire/appreciate me, and she was such a pleaser she wouldn't let me do that for her. But again, my needs.

She does have growing to do as we all do. She is so sensitive, it would help if she could speak her opinion. She goes between silence to boiling over which makes me feel ambushed. She could be more understanding of my needs and put more into the R. And she could give me another chance. But that is all up to her. I LOVE her, HER, so deeply, and want her to be fulfilled.

Space is good so we can both grow stronger on our own. Email is good because it levels the playing field. I can tone down and choose a laid back tone. Her whispers come through loud and clear. My therapist said he was inspired by this and may recommend email as a form of communication for couples with our dynamic. Time is good to let the dust settle and take it slow.

I have more growing to do. In the back of my mind I'm hoping we get back together and we achieve a perfect R where we understand all of these things about each other perfectly, transcend them, and we can finally share our love the way we were intended to and meet each others needs to the fullest. I realize that is idealistic and settin me up for pain and disappointment. I'm trying to walk the balance of preparing to be as close to the perfect H as I can be while still being strong enough to live in a world of misunderstandings, pain, and loneliness which can't be avoided.