Freaky how I felt, while reading about 3/4 of that post, that *I*, myself, had written it. Wowzers.
I'm going to start backwards here. And likely ramble. As usual.
I was preparing myself to file after school starts because again it's another hard boundary. I don't feel like I'm being self righteous or resentful in doing that. Am I wrong? This has been almost 3 months since I found out. I feel by doing *nothing* that I'm condoning his actions. Am I missing something here? First, as Wonka told me, sometimes INaction IS an action. (That's one of my favorite sayings now! )
Filing is a personal choice. I wouldn't do it unless I wanted a D. I would definitely NOT do it to prove anything to myself OR my H. And I wouldn't do it to get a reaction. Dig reallyyyyy deep to ask yourself WHY you would consider filing for D if - in your heart of hearts - you want to save your M. Cup doesn't match the saucer there, right?
IMO, three months is not long AT ALL in the grand scheme of DBing. And it's certainly not long enough to go out and pull a D trigger. Some situations move faster than others. And in your case, you can probably expect to tack on a little more time with your H living away most of the time. Factor in the fact that you're having to prove your changes sporadically, with a lot of space in between.
I went ahead and started paperwork for a *legal separation* when my H refused to end his A. I did this for a couple of reasons:
1. H was going to do it anyway, but we had a mutual friend who was a L and offered to represent ME but also to try to work out our formal legal arrangements for BOTH H and me. (This did not work, as you know from reading my threads.) 2. Like you, I'm a SAHM, completely financially dependent on my H. Having a set-in-stone financial figure helped me not only budget for THAT period of time, but it also was going to give me a representative figure that I could use to PLAN my life in the event H and I did not reconcile. 3. Having the separation order determined and dictated child-custody and visitation. A schedule is important here. And the order could then be "the bad guy" when H complained about not having enough time with his kids.
Meanwhile, I told my H I did not want ANY of this. I did not want a D, and I did not want my children growing up in two separate homes, with two separate families. But I would not stand in his way of getting one. I only told him that in a condensed version maybe once a month, in the form of a "truth dart."
I told H that as far as the actual D (we have to wait 12 months between S and D here), he would have to file. All I needed was an order at the onset of our S to establish custody/visitation and his financial obligations. I needed that to protect my children and me. That's it. As an aside: when he found out how much $ he was going to have to pay for child support and alimony (being a SAHM gave me an advantage in that regard), he FLIPPED OUT. Looking back, I think that's when the reality of the sitch really hit home to him. He kept saying the D "would be quick and easy." That's what his L told him. Meanwhile, I told *my* L: "I want it to be painful." Sorry not sorry. As Starsky says, "There's a reason they put that little v. between the names."
Does your state "do" a formal separation agreement that precedes D? Something where your H can see, in black-and-white, how much money he's looking at having to dole out if he continues on this path of marital-destruction with OW? Something tells me he's gonna be paying a pretty penny if he continues with this OW nonsense. Again, I wouldn't even pursue a separation agreement *to get a reaction* or to make a point with him. I HAD to do it because my H had proven that he WOULD pull the financial carpet out from under us (after he did just that in 2005). And I'm sure you remember from my most current sitch that he eventually DID do that ... before the order was signed and the week I was heading to the beach. Ugh. That one STILL gets me ...
Your H sounds very unsure and uncertain about his current predicament. He keeps giving you "crumbs." I'm not sure if I'm feeling he's keeping you as Plan B ... or if he is just really confused and being really selfish but really IS wanting to see some sustained changes in you. It doesn't matter. YOUR work is the same, regardless.
And here's the thing: I called it "OW nonsense" up there. But in truth? There's "sense" in an A. As we've discussed, your H fell into the arms of another woman because YOU were not meeting his needs. I see you holding yourself accountable for that, and taking responsibility for it, so that's why you won't find me harping too much about that right now ...
But still, we have to consider H's history of behaviors now: A fishing trip? Porn and strip clubs? "Only kissing" another woman though she slept in his bed? REALLLLYYYY?!?. You're not only in a great position to hold steady in your more firm approach ... but to REALLY commit to it. This man needs to remember how to respect you! And that starts with YOU, Sam. And it sounds like you're doing one helluva job on that already.
So a firm stance, detaching with love: what does that look like to YOU?
The limited time with your H *is* going to present a challenge to DB. No doubt about it. But it's also giving you some much-needed time to get your chit together and make some much needed changes. And, you have an advantage in that you *already know* you can physically handle your household by yourself. You don't depend on your H for that. That's good. It gives you a GREAT head start as a SAHM. That being said, have you asked for more money from your H so you can better *financially* manage your household? (I'm not suggesting you do it just yet; I'm just curious if you've asked and how he responded.)
What have the Ls told you about the amount of child support/alimony you would receive? Is it less than he's providing now, considering all the bills he's paying AND the "allowance" he's providing?
Now, let's chat about the phone issue.
Okay, you've found out he has a cell phone. How, specifically, does this change/impact you and/or your situation?
A lot of times, Sam, I found myself doing things *just to show H that I wasn't stupid.* Possibly (Probably) that IS ego. And I'm the first to tell you I fight that big, green monster quite a bit. I am working on it.
Here's the other question: What "boundary" would you put in place re: the burn phone? Can you spell it out for me? What purpose would it serve? And can you enforce it? How? What would be the "consequence" to said boundary if H rejects/crosses it?
Let me provide another example from my own sitch (and my H made this burn-phone thing EASY for me): H and I, at the time, were separated. He'd already turned in ONE burn phone, while he was with me at the phone store. (That's when he chose to stay home and "end his A" for the couple weeks immediately after I discovered the affair.) When we separated, he kept the phone that he had for yearssss on our family plan, but he bought a NEW phone that he used for OW. I, therefore, can't technically call it a "burn phone" because we were separated.
I noticed, over the course of a few days, that H would take up to two hours to read and respond to my texts on his "family phone." I KNEW there was NO WAY he could be using that phone anymore, especially considering he was on it *constantly* with OW before. There was NO WAY he would be making OW wait two hours for a response!
So finally, based only on good suspicion, I sent him a text that said essentially: "Can you please provide the number to your new phone? In case of emergencies with the kids, it would be nice to know I could get in touch with you quickly."
It ticked.him.off. He thought I had "followed" him to the phone store, and he went NUTS trying to change all this passwords to everything from our joint bank account to his e-mail account, etc. (I'm really shocked he hadn't thought to do that sooner, but that A fog is CRAZY, ain't it?)
Anyway, I did that - again, shame on me - mainly to show him I'm not stupid. But also because I *really did need to know how to reach him quickly in the event of an emergency*.
Is your H responding quickly to your texts on his "normal phone"? Is he easily accessible if you need to reach him?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
