Finding my way - part 3

[Meghan]

Fighting the urge to get online to talk to H. on IM. I can see he's online, but he hasn't replied to my birthday email.

After a night of not enough sleep (bad dreams), I'm tired and my instinct is to wish him a happy birthday and talk to him, to let him know that he is loved and cared for, and to try to ensure that he doesn't think that I'm ignoring him or not putting in the effort after a week and change of not being in touch. I don't want him to hurt or feel unloved like he says that he has been feeling, and I want him to know that I'm still willing to work on things for and with him.

I know it's not the thing to do. He says he needs space, so me being all over him while he's away is not a good idea. It's also pursuing which hasn't worked at all so far.

I guess I mostly wish he was the guy he used to be so I could do the things I used to to show him that I love him. But, when I think about it like that, I realise that those actions happened within a marriage that wasn't always so healthy, so maybe those are things that need to be rethought at least a little. Something needs to change.

Time for some funny TV and some knitting. If nothing else, it'll keep my hands busy and away from the keyboard.