I had a marriage counselor justify my H's cheating by saying that to me. He was getting his needs met. I was livid.
No. An affair is emotional abuse. Period.
We all go with unmet needs from time-to-time. That's marriage...kids, bills, jobs, etc...
Ans:Yup, that's marriage & being a grown up - understanding that it isn't "perfect." Agree!!
If he was unhappy in the marriage, then he coulda gotten OUT of the marriage and THEN found another mate. He didn't. He chose to disrespect me and dishonor our children by cheating while still within the bounds of marriage.
Ans:I cannot express how emphatically (!) I agree w/you re bold immediately above. Within the last 5 years when the problems began excalating re: H (more $$ strain re recession), my H went through a 'sulky' period. Earlier this year after the bomb, I asked the same, do you want R? He never answered, just chose to cheat & treat me badly. He didn't 'bite' with both incidents, didn't want to entertain it. Too much to get into here - anyway you will also recall C. Brinkley's M to French biz man I believe, another cake eater - they don't 'walk the talk'.
Sorry, this really gets me going. It's like blaming a rape victim.
It's emotionally abusive to cheat on your spouse. It just is. It's abandoning a relationship and partner BEFORE you give them any chance to mend what's wrong.
This woman also thinks this is our fault, link below - 'Extra-marital sex is a release for men, not a betrayal'.' (whoa!!! - link below)
It's an interesting read/'take' for sure. She has some 'valid' points - however, at the end of the day, I believe it's is all about BAGGAGE. Although her arguement is thought provoking, I read somewhere (can't remember w., have been reading so much!!!) that there is a very small percentage of truly 'functional families', most are dysfunctional but to varying degrees (this we already know, right?). Secured people wouldn't need to express that 'haunted, restless void' elsewhere, they would reach out to each other - communicate needs effectively, get help, & proceed to 'grow up' (!!) together - while occasionally revisiting issues too!
However, the real catch is that the majority of us have been hurt on some level in childhood. "To err is human" ... Our parents parented us, but they were still growing up themselves (we never stop emotionally maturing, do we?). They continued growing up through each different stage in their lives, but doing so while taking their baggage from one life transition to the next. It's no wonder the world has so many dysfunctioning families. So like Lois - I agree. Something was not right for the cheater deep down inside (in sitch excluding R where folks are simply not compatible/other variables of course). Its just that her statement is too general. "Baggage" lots of baggage means the individual with eventually fall -
Just going through this thread GoatGal (!) & your progress . Will continue now - just 'had to' stop here! p.
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
. Will continue now - just 'had to' stop here! p.