Train - Thank you so much for the inspiring post. I know there are a couple of different camps on the boards about A's. I'm in Starskys camp!
Actually many of the things I have already told my H in our very limited conversations are direct Starsky quotes.
Sorry in advance but this will be long.
I read & reread more of your (train) whole stitch last night. I know my h is being a total a$$ but in reality this is not the man I married. I saw in one of your posts that you wrote the same about your H. My H was a hard working guy - who loved me more than anything, he respected me & we had a lot of fun together. I felt like my H was a safe choice for marriage. He was crazy about me & I didn't think anything would change that. I thought at the very least he would still show up during the crazy time of having little kids & babies.
He changed with the porn stuff during/after pregnancy with Baby 2. And further changed when he went to work out of town & live like a bachelor during the week.
How fun is it to come home after going out all week to kids runny noses, throwing up & Disney Jr. on the tv. He actually said, "I feel like the kids run the house. I can't even watch Espn because they want to watch their shows before bed." And we do have more than one Tv but he didn't want to have to watch Tv somewhere other than living room.
I think I changed/lost myself after I got pregnant with Baby #3. About a year ago. Baby was a bit of a surprise but I *thought* we were both ambivalent about another baby. If it happens, it happens. H was not too happy. He was concerned he would not get to bond with Baby b/c of his work schedule.
I don't do pregnancy well. So in addition to keeping my head in the toilet most of the time until October, I gained a ton of weight, looked awful, felt awful & was struggling to take care of D5 & S3. And very hormonal - b!tch. My house became a wreck. I'm usually very neat & clean. Then baby stayed in Nicu for a month & more things went unkept at the house.
So to answer your question- The Sam he loved was fun to be around, laughed a lot, I wore cute clothes & make up, I was loving towards him, I respected myself & I was not taking any crap from anyone. I was a flight attendant at one time & I had my own life. He pursued/chased me for years. Even in one of our early break ups in our early 20's. I dated someone else, and so did he. But he was always saying & telling everyone he wanted to be with me.
After we had kids they became my life, I only wore makeup if we were going out. Then with the last pregnancy - I felt like crap & looked like crap.
He told our MC that he saw me as a mom - a good mom, but just a mom, I'm boring & have no fun anymore.
Since BD 2 months ago, I have lost 45 pounds. All the baby weight & then some. I can fit in all my cute clothes. And I wear them. No more yoga pants. I wear makeup almost every day & definitely every time I see him & my hair is fixed. This is who I am. I'm a very girly girl. I love make up & I always keep my hair foiled & flat ironed. No more ponytails. My house is organized & clean. I'm not calling to ask him how to fix this or that. I'm just doing it. I have been going out to with my girlfriends more. As much as I can without leaving too much on someone else - remember I have a 5 yo, 4 yo, & 5 month old baby. I'm at the beach this weekend. I have friends who have a condo here. So I got a room, doing some thinking & will be hanging with friends & going out tonight.
For the 4th of July we always stayed home. This year, I had the kids. I got my mom to watch the baby & I took the kids to see fireworks. We met up with friends & my D5 told him how much fun we had.
I have a close cousin who is a guy- he got divorced last year but he has a daughter the same age as mine. She has been spending time with my kids & while the kids swim. He & I just sit on the back porch & have a couple of beers. My H said to me that evening "I wish you could have done that with me."
I'm not going to make 180's to win my husband back. I'm doing the things I would be doing if he was part of my life or not. One thing I'm really working on is arguing with him or trying to persuade someone in to my way of thinking. My friends & family tell me I should have been a lawyer because I like people to see things from my point of view. But I'm realizing, it's not so important to be "right" all the time. And I know this drove H crazy.
I feel like I know who I am & I actually like myself. I don't want to change the core of my being. I just got the push to start being her again. Of course there are things that I need to work on in the marriage but I don't think that the Sam, he fell in love with is that far buried.
And I'm really struggling with maybe I should just allow him to be who he wants to be and not who I want him to be. If he wants to watch porn & go to strip clubs & run around like he's 21 - I know I need to let him. I can't fix him. But, that's not the kind of husband I want or need.
Our interactions are so limited, I only see him every 2 weeks when either he gets home & I leave. Or he picks the big kids up & they leave.
He calls every evening to talk to kids. But we don't talk about anything besides kids or house issues. He asks how baby is, what Dr appnt are that week & what the Dr said, Actually the first time he has volunteered any info about himself in 2 months was to tell me that the dry cleaners ruined his clothes last week.
I exposed his affair to him & close family members in the middle of June. I drew the boundary no communication in our family home & around the kids. I saw the texts & some were while he was out driving my kids around. I told him if it continued he would not be visiting kids every weekend. We would go to an every other weekend visitation schedule just like in a divorce.
The next week when he was back down to work - he bought a burner phone. I saw it in the bank account. I called him & just said we would need to sign a calendar to agree to a schedule. He doesn't know that I know about the phone. If you go to my previous thread around 6/23 - I Posted our text exchanges there.
I'm in the camp of drawing hard boundaries. He has had no boundaries for way too long. Which is part of the reason why we are in this situation. I stopped standing up for myself & he kept taking, taking. And he has no financial transparency.
This week my D5 told me daddy has 2 phones now, 1 for texting & 1 for taking pictures & talking on. I really feel like he's crossing my boundaries about the phone situation. But I struggle with is it controlling him? I don't think so- he probably sees his girlfriend for 2 weeks straight. Why is using his burner phone in front if my kids in the little time he does see them? Although I can't prove it's to talk to girlfriend. Then it's back to me being the same nagging, b!tch that he doesn't want for a wife.
Then considering last Sunday he said he would like to spend some time together. But didnt mention it Monday night during call to kids, so I asked. He said he wasn't ready, just thinking about it - so I said okay no problem. I don't know if I should be patient? Or try to enforce this phone boundary? I have been dim/dark since beginning of June. I haven't called him in almost 2 months, I don't initiate any texts. I simply & politely respond to his texts. Which are almost always I'm going to call at such & such time. Or how was baby's dr appnt. He's seeing the changes, in me. He has said so. But not necessarily changes with him & the emotional/physical needs that I wasn't meeting. He said he thought it was great I was going out & visiting my friends..
As I said previously, I was preparing myself to file after school starts because again it's another hard boundary. I don't feel like I'm being self righteous or resentful in doing that. Am I wrong? This has been almost 3 months since I found out. I feel by doing *nothing* that I'm condoning his actions. Am I missing something here? I'm not going to live in an open marriage. I told him this too. But, he does pay all the bills. He hasn't changed anything about his financial obligations from before BD. Is inaction the best action for me here?
And I would like to start throwing some of Starskys truth darts his way. But don't know how to effectively do that when we only talk in the phone after he talks to kids & asks about the baby?
Thanks for reading my super long post. I'm glad Starsky & Train have the faith in me to save my marriage.
Thanks in advance for any input/advice. I'm ready to hear it.
H:40 Me:35 D5 S4 S3 months Married 8 years Together 17 years BD: 5/23/2014
