Wow Zues, as left behind spouses we've really got ourselves in a pickle, haven't we?
You've gone through some pretty heavy stuff these several weeks. It still stinks but you're growing. You're learning about all your negative patterns/behaviors/thoughts and acknowledging they exist. Sometimes doing something about them takes a little longer to sink in. Sometimes you just won't have any idea where to start but the fact that you are becoming more self aware is fantastic!
I'm glad you've started the DB coaching. I'm doing both IC and DB coaching. I space them out so it helps carry me through the week. There's those days when you really need words of wisdom and no one seems to around of available and so you have to sit in your misery alone. I feel these opportunities make you stronger even though you feel your most despair...just keep on going.
Navigating through the tricky waters of detachment can make you feel a slew of emotions you didn't know you could feel and all at once! I'm in and out of it too. What helped me a lot was to think about my H as a wayward rebellious teenager who is just darn determined to go against better advice. For most people they absolutely have to sink to the bottom before reality kicks them in the butt. I feel this is where you are and maybe your wife too. It's kinda hard to gauge her personality since I haven't read much of anywhere where you've spoken so negatively about her. You've made her out to be a saint! Not that it's a bad thing but remember that it took interactions or the lack thereof of two people to arrive anywhere. Yeah, you played a big part in the demise of your M but you can't take all the blame and you definitely can't hold yourself accountable for her part. You can poke and prod her to get a reaction but she can choose not to react of react in a more productive way.
Till this day my H blames me for getting us to where we are. He blames me for him going to the attorney's office to draft the S papers. He blames me for him having to take it that far. Essentially, he blames me for making him feel like he had no other choice but to give up. Amazing! I just shake my head and continue on with my changes. I used to hold him in such high esteem because he could stay in a room and communicate when we got into arguments. I would storm out in a huff and tears. Now I realize he's flawed too and though he may be able to stay in the room when I can't doesn't mean he's any better at communication or somehow more superior.
Watching our loved ones go through what we know will hurt them is a difficult task because we want to save them that agony. However, like Starsky said in her post (which is available in my second thread "Onto another square" pulling back is giving the WAS the freedom to walk their own path. I love my H enough to let him walk through his hot coals. If I stop him or otherwise, he may never discover that I will be at the other end cheering him on.
The best thing that has happened to you in all this is that you're breaking your negative patterns and becoming a better person. You're drawing closer to your children--that's wonderful! You've stepped outside of your selfish bubble and learning the needs of others around you. More importantly, you're learning that you are a valuable asset to your kids.
That's my two cents for the day. Hopefully it was a big enough pat on the back for your progress!
Btw, how's the Power of a Praying H going? Are you finding it helpful at all? I'm on round two at almost 60 days! Who says you have to stop reading once you get to the end?
