WAW having an A but she denies it #2

[Train]

Yep. I feel you.

Fortunately for me, my H's A was with someone he'd just recently met; she worked at the grocery store he would frequent after work to pick up things I needed to make dinner. Yyyyep. Ugh. They can come from ANYWHERE.

H lived here at home for 2 weeks after I discovered the A. I tried (a version of) the "Plan A" approach during that time (even though I didn't know that's what I was doing). H said he would end his A - at least temporarily - to work on our M. Finally, my H - in what *appeared* to be withdrawals from OW after less than a week of NC - disrespected me in front of S8 (which is INCREDIBLY out of character for him). He yelled: "I don't want to BE here anymore!!!!"

And that's when I started putting fear aside. I kicked him out and changed the locks. H started seeing OW again. I exposed the A to OW's H.

And then I started posting here.

I tried "drawing him closer to me" while he was away. It "worked" ... sorta. But I just ended up with a hurt heart ... and he ate cake ... and he DID - for a little while - have OW AND me. (That's before I really had any firm, stated boundaries in place.)

(Is it starting to come together for you a little WHY Starsky and I say you have SUCH a great head start here?!? I was sooooo winging things and losing ground and flubbing things up in the first weeks of my sitch. And I'd say even *I* had a head start because I was a DB vet; I'd been here in 2005, the FIRST time my H cheated. But I played nice-and-doormat-BFF that time. Which I guess you could argue "brought him home." But the way I handled things clearly didn't work to build enough respect in my H for him to not cheat on me again. We also didn't work on our main issues AT ALL.)

But back to THIS time: I influenced the quick turn-around of my sitch by finally laying down boundaries and staying consistent after I realized that my H would carry on relationships with me AND OW for far longer than *I* could/would tolerate being MY husband's "OW."

That's when I finally (and thanks to advice I received here) started implementing boundaries. It DID NOT seem to "work" at first. I was watching for signs that my H was being pulled closer to me like he did those first few weeks after he was gone. Those signs didn't come. In fact, it seemed my boundaries were pushing him away!!! I vividly remember Starsky saying something to the effect of: "Boundaries do one or two things VERY well; 'drawing them back to you' isn't one of them. At least not at first."

That's the first time I realized (and we even discuss it in my threads, which I'll link here once I'm at my computer) that I was really pulling from more approaches than just DB to try to save my marriage. I was taking more of a "blended" or - as Starsky called it - "dual track" approach. And I committed to it.

It scared the crap out of me. But I knew it was what I had to do for ME. And if my M stood a chance of surviving, it's also what I had to do to have the best chance.

I would still be light and warm and friendly - and dressed up - when I saw H. I was GAL often and would often make sure he saw me dressed for my GAL plans. I also made the decision that I was moving on from our M and physically moving with the kids a couple hours away.

That's what seemed to really flip H's switch.

According to H, my confidence persuaded him to come back. That confidence, especially stacked beside OW's clinginess and whininess, became the better option for H.

After an A is discovered, the LBS is the one who is usually sad and moping while the AP - having his/her ego stroked - has the confidence. That's why THAT person looks so attractive to our spouses. We flip the script a little when we start demonstrating confidence ... at just the same time we have backed off enough to give the AP time to start showing some warts.

It may take a while of consistent changes, sho - that's why they caution "this is a marathon, not a sprint" - but I've noticed that the stronger, firmer stance seems to have success ... AND doesn't seem to take as long to have an effect. I'm thinking it is especially effective when men employ it.

I know I just rambled there. But hopefully that starts to answer the questions you asked. I'll link my threads shortly; there aren't that many (four maybe?).