When I say the WW is worse, I mean it's like a different component is added. The WAW who is not in rebellion and trying to go through her second childhood, is tired and has given up on the M and is ready to end it. MWD's article on the WAW is excellent. That WAW is fed up and has lost all hope in her H and M. But I don't see the same sense of rebelliousness that is in a wayward wife. A wayward W can remind you of a teenager rebelling in her attitude, selfishness, dress, behavior, and actions. And there is no getting through to her.
If that describes your W, then you probably have a WW. If not, then you have the WAW Michele describes in her article. When I found myself in this state, it wasn't like I woke up one day and decided I would turn into a WW. It was a gradual process to a point, and then I went crazy and didn't even know who I was anymore. B/c the foundation of decades of disappointment and unfulfilled emotional needs was already there. We had faced crises after crises, and I went into a depression where I felt abandoned by my H. So I was vulnerable for an EA. I was vulnerable for most anything. When I entered that realm of compromising my standards or morals, I quickly lost a sense of reality. I took risks that were crazy, but at the time, I did not care. And as long as my H pursued, my resentment grew into detesting him. He disgusted me! Is that plain enough?
What confuses you, even though it's been discussed, is how a WW pulls in toward you if you back off and are not making her the center of your attention, but then if you respond all warm and fuzzy......she quickly turns cold & disinterested. I understand how that works b/c I was that woman! At this time, she does not want you, but when she sees you back off then she wants to check to make sure she stills has your love/feelings for her. So when you respond with obvious "warmth" that she knows you are still "there" for her, she pulls away b/c she doesn't want you. She just wanted to assure herself you were still there.
I have tried to tell LBH'S that they don't give enough time to that period of emotional withdrawal and treating her like an elderly nosey neighbor. Remember me saying that men mistake her being nice or friendly as a positive sign? If he gets of melty-man on her, she loses interest. Her intent was not to get you back into the MR. That is why I believe she has to be free to work on her issues while thinking she may have given up the man she really loved. She has to decide she wants him back. When she does, she will start being consistent in pursuing him, and becoming more like her old self. That is when the LBH will begin to slowly give her more attention and time.
If you stay away from her and truly work on yourself, she is going to see the difference. But if you aren't working to establish new behaviors, then you'll return to the old M. And as 25yrs said, that's the last thing your W ever wants to happen!
Everyone's stitch is different. There is no one size fits all with these solutions. If you look at my signature line, it says what I can summarize and do what works........not what you feel should work, but what you see works in your particular stitch.
You have to be consistent. You can't try one thing today to see her response, then try something different tomorrow to see how she reacts. You have to be steady and evaluate. If it's clearly getting worse, then you stop doing it. But most guys don't give it enough time b/c they are too impatient and want results yesterday.
Use common sense. For example, if you get a call saying there is an emergency, don't tell yourself, "Well I can't show her concern b/c I am being indifferent!" That's what I mean about being balanced. Make sense?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
