Line in the sand

[mustardseed]

Also, last week when he told me that I destroyed our family by not making enough money, he told me he wanted me to leave. I refused. I told him "this is my home and you can't tell me to come or go". His answer was, "really, you pay the rent?" that sent me reeling. All of this time I have been using my tiny paycheck to bail us out of financial situations. Making sure bills got paid that he ignored. Cleaning up his messes, and not spending a dime on myself (until I separated my money out and started budgeting, because now I can budget for things I need and want). And in his mind it was all him. I sent him an itemized list of where my money goes to support this family which shows we are pretty close to 50/50 on expenses but he has a lot more spending money at the end of it. I am sure this was a mistake, but I am baffled that all of this time I thought I was being a partner contributing everything I had to make this family work and he didn't see it at all.

Is he really that delusional about money? Do I really have to now call attention to every financial contribution I make so that he realizes I am not just a drain? Or is this just a game he is playing to make himself feel like the martyr? He is also paranoid, but the paranoia started a few years ago with people he works with. The world is against him. Now he is convinced that me and my family are trying to turn the kids against him. I never ever said a bad word about him to anyone. The only time I vent about him is here, at work (where my friends have been through something similar and don't know him at all), and alanon meetings. My talks about him with the kids have changed from me making excuses for him to me telling them "I don't know" and they should talk to him about it. But it really bothers me that he sees me this way. That I have become one of the people who has it out for him in his mind. I know this is probably the disease talking, but it still is making me feel defensive. And I know defensive is not the right place to be. The more I try to explain myself the worse it gets, but when I let it go I feel like I am validating his misconceptions about me.

I know this is probably all of my fault for needing to have him explain to me why he is doing this. I should have followed the rules of DB "NO R TALK". But R talk and financial matters talk still are so intertwined. How do I detach from the things I need to detach from, but still stay on top of the finances that need to be dealt with on an ongoing basis?

I realize that the serenity prayer makes sense to me, and the first to points are pretty easy for me most of the time, but that last part--the wisdom to know the difference--that is where I am totally lost!:
God grant me the serenity to change the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Maybe the issue is that I really just don't trust myself enough? I always believed everything he ever said to me, and I guess I always just ignored his actions. I probably said that here before. Looking back over his actions, this is all making sense. But now he is saying he doesn't want to be married to me, yet he isn't doing a damn thing about ending the marriage. So I am still in the cyclone of actions and words not matching up.

Now I feel like I am just babbling and not making sense anymore. Time to go for a run and clear my head.