Line in the sand

[mustardseed]

Thank you for your post labug. I don't know how I missed it before. That harsh voice is all around me. I got sucked into the crazy yesterday and it made me realize how much I let him twist things around until I believe I am the problem. To be fair, I already have the wiring to always believe I am the problem anyway so he really doesn't have to do much to get me there. I am learning from Al-anon that this is typical behavior. Addicts twist and manipulate things to be the other person's fault to take the pressure off of them, and those that end up loving alcoholics typically are the sort that are used to taking the blame and the responsibility for everything that happens. Match made in heaven.

His newest claim is that I destroyed our family by not making enough money. I guess that is what the entire divorce is about in his mind. It is probably what is frustrating him the most right now because it is making getting the divorce really difficult. I am not even worried about my financial future without him, yes I will be broke, but I will be able to truly account for everything that comes in and goes out. Right now we live like we are broke anyway, I know how to do that. But I really think my financial picture will improve once we separate. The only real worry I have is that I will lose health insurance. I can get it through my job but only for me and it will cost me 1/3 of my paycheck. But right now anything to get out of the crazy.

I break all of the DB rules whenever a money situation comes up. Yesterday it was because of a hospital bill that came for my D. Because he is the insurance holder it was addressed to him, but I knew it was either her bill or a bill for a procedure I had done so I opened it so I could take care of it. I noticed the amount was wrong because I had paid the ER copay and that was supposed to be refunded to me when she got admitted--but it was the full hospital stay copay. he came home when I was on hold waiting to speak to someone and he was annoyed. Of course no one was available and they will call me back Monday.

Well, he was all annoyed asking what the problem was, and I told them the bill was too high, the ER copay should have been deducted or refunded so that we could apply it to this bill. Then he tells me that months ago he got a check for the amount of the ER copay from the insurance company. Never told me about that. Naturally cashed it, spent it, it is gone now. I was mad he didn't tell me about it, how I shelled out that money from my account and my plan was to apply it to this bill. I budget a bit of my money every month to pay medical bills, and that $75 was 3 months of saving--and he just claims it and spends it? Then he turned it around and said I shouldn't be opening up his mail--it is addressed to him. And the check was in his name so it was his.

Things continued on. I fell back into the trap of diagnosing. He did his own version of "I know you are but what am I" type arguments--before alanon I would have gotten to the point of saying, "you are right, I am", but I had to go somewhere, and I ended up finding a meeting before I cam home.

This money issue is definitely my trigger. Last week it was the fact that the joint account that he pulled his money from once again had an automatic payment scheduled for one of his credit cards (second month in a row, and he said last time he would take care of it). $90 in fees that I shelled out to keep it from destroying the credit that I am working so hard to rebuild. I am teetering on the edge of poor/fair credit so little things like that are a huge deal.

So I finally got to the point of wanting to talk to a lawyer and having some sort of separation agreement written up, even though we continue to live in the same house. I need to make sure bills are paid and that it isn't all on me. I need to be able to detach and stop rescuing when money problems creep in, but when my credit standing and the kids medical bills are on the line I have no choice. Maybe legal intervention will help with that.