1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

I spoke with my DB coach yesterday. She was proud of how I handled things so far but had some great feedback on what I needed to do to keep moving. Namely, get more involved with the kids collaboratively.

I realized I was scared of this for a few reasons. It's something I'm not 'good at'. My W always raised the kids, I just paid bills. Also, I found myself not very detached. I was afraid of stepping on her 'turf' and that she'd be threatened and hostile, critical, and angry about my last failings. I am afraid ill make big mistakes that will hurt he kids and make her think even less about me or validate her negative feelings.

But those are feelings, and I'm learning how to handle feelings. The have something to say, so I'll listen, but I can't let them run the ship. I realized that making mistakes as a parent isn't as bad as not making any by not trying. And that she will react how she reacts, but my kids deserve a father committed enough to them to not let fear come between us.

So I followed my DB coaches advice and sent W an email about my thoughts on what my son is going through. I won't go into details, but I acknowledged that he was insecure about his relationship with me as I was never around much and now it's even less. And that I wanted to get more involved but knew it was a sensitive situation and wanted to follow her lead so I was consistent with how she was handling it. I told her some things I'd been talking about with him, and asked for help as to how I can support this.

I will admit its tough right now. I know I'm strong enough to make it on my own but I have such a sense if regret for not having done this sooner. I could've had a better relationship with my son, and it feels very intimate to share discussions with my W about something so important. I truly see how hard she's worked to raise them and how little emotional or hands on support I gave her. What a loss. I admit I dream of the chance to be close with her again, talking about these things while lying next to each other in bed. But I have learned that its easy to feel so strongly that you are blind, and while I long for the chance to make things right she is in a totally different place, and is deeply scared and hurt. I am sorry for that and will respect her need for space, even if it should prove to be eternal. I pray for her to be fulfilled.

So now that I've allowed that feeling to come and go I will also pray for my strength to handle the consequences of my choices, to be able to give myself the love I need, and to be a better role-model for my kids. I'm grateful she's been so cooperative and amicable and that she encourages my relationship with them. She may never let me back in but she truly is a woman of character.

Goodnight all!