Here is where im confused, sandi mentioned to be indifferent for now, not always be available...so since I was always available she would eventually get cold again, then I would pull back and she would then open up to me, it really confused me.
Are you saying the advice confuses you or your W's actions confuse you? B/c I think you were told (but not positive) to expect this. She will not show consistent behavior with you b/c she is going through her own stuff that confuses her.
For the record, 25yrs and I have always been pretty much on the same page. There is definitely a different approach or viewpoint in the style we address the poster. Mainly, 25yrs is much more compassionate toward the WAW than I am. She gives the WAW the benefit of doubt, where I give .......none. And I am hard on wayward wives b/c I was one and I know how closed her heart is toward her LBH..........especially if there is a third party somewhere. JMHo, I believe a "wayward" wife is..........worse (?) than other WAW's. Maybe "worse" is not a good choice of words, but I hope you'll understand what I'm trying to say here. She is more complicated. She makes it harder for the LBH.
And speaking of not good choices of words, when I used the "indifference" explanation, I was trying to paint a picture of what she should see in you....at this time. But not in a cold, punitive, selfish, jerk style. And i said that when I posted it. Nice, polite, but not chummy best friends. B/c I do believe a wayward needs to experience some degree of loss due to her decisions. This is my opinion (and I believe MWD made a similar statement in DR). Everybody may not agree. I may appear to project my own personal experience into it. I try to draw from my experience and help the unsuspecting LBH.
I respect 25yrs very much! And as I said, we agree on most things, but she gives a lot of positive credit to the WAW, and I see the bad part of the WAW. I am a lot harder on the WAW's and my advice is usually more harsh. I do believe the LBH has to find a balance in everything. We can't tell every move to make. We can't explain every little detail. But I do see a lot of LBH'S misinterpret advice, and that's understandable. I am not backing away from what I posted, but I sure didn't mean to cause confusion for you. Different people on the board is going to have different viewpoints. We all draw it from what we read, study, experience, observe, etc. Maybe 25yrs is correct in men being so black & white in their thinking. I have seen this in other male newcomers. And I know I am bad at assuming people know what I mean, but they don't always.
What I have advised, is to do within a span of time (hopefully, until she comes out of the waywardness). Understand that once she begins to come out of the waywardness, and you see her warming in her attitude, you would adjust your approach (not the respect issue, etc. but giving less the indifferent/uninterested response). IMHO the WAW has such little respect for the LBH and so turned off to him, that he has to pull completely back till she believes she's lost him. Again, everyone may not agree, it is my opinion. But guys, obviously in order to reconcile you would need to adjust your response at some point. Not compromise your values, or anything like that. Certainly not go back to how it was before the bomb!
I can get back to this later b/c I have a sick mother that demands my attention. I hope I have not confused you more! I was trying to tell you how to respond with your WW at this time. What I believed she should see in you. Why is that so confusing??
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
