see if this story helps illustrate the point some of us are making. It's a true story.
I grew up with a neighbor who was a retired Army Colonel. He had been a POW for several years, in Vietnam.
He and his wife had 5 kids. Years before they moved into our neighborhood, the Colonel had had an affair with some OW.
How did I, a young 17 y/o girl know that the Colonel had had an A?
Oh, I knew b/c everyone knew that b/c "Mrs Colonel" made sure we all knew, so we would not think he was such a great guy.
There were times I wanted to ask the Colonel about his POW experiences. But Mrs. C- would steer the topic away. I truly believed for years, that she was protecting him from a bad memory.
Then l learned that she simply didn't like him getting that type of attention. At the time we knew the family, the Colonel was kind, funny, handsome, strong, and really just a great guy. Yes, we DID admire him.
In contrast, She was a bitter woman, with a snide remark ready for her h at every turn. From how he grilled the meat to a reference letter he wrote for my h, she could NOT give that man a compliment to save her soul. She never praised him in front of her kids or us and she would undermine any compliment others would give him. In short, she lived to make him pay. I'm not exaggerating. She was NOT kind to him at all. I guess She never let him forget what SHE had endured.
Today, only 1 of their 5 kids is married and it's his 2nd or 3rd marriage. The others are all single. 2 never married, and the other 2 keep on getting married repeatedly.
The choice that Mrs C- made was the worst of all choices.
She could have divorced him. She could have gone to counseling and therapy and learned to forgive him. But instead she made the worst but most tempting choice; she stayed married AND stayed miserable.
She never let Colonel forget his sins.
She held it over his head like the sword of Damacles.
She threw it in his face (or threatened to) every time they fought.
She did NOT Forgive him and she did not even try to. Not in a serious humbling way.
Ironically, from where we sat, from what WE saw, HE was the victim and she was the wrongdoer....she was not a woman we sympathized with.
She should have let him go when she found out about the A; or as soon as she realized she could not forgive him; or she should have learned how to forgive.
She could have left her children a beautiful legacy. She COULD have taught and passed on to them, the concepts and practices of true forgiveness, real redemption, deep love and full commitment.
Instead, she passed onto them suspicions, distrust, cynicism, bitterness and big time grudge holding. She did not think he "deserved" forgiveness -- so she overlooked how many others were affected by her choice not to forgive.
I wish she had heard what I heard a few years back, which was "Holding onto anger, to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire,
----- ----- ----- to get smoke in their eyes."
Emma, please don't take offense. But does any of this resonate with you?
Ox, you?
Thanks for the story 25 but the thing is, you talk about this woman from your perspective as an outsider. You don't know what life was like for her inside that marriage for her. How do you know what she threw in his face every time they fought? Were you there? Did he tell you this? Did you ever talk to her about her life? I'd be interested to hear her perspective on what she endured with her "great guy" husband.
