mlc rut

[pbetra]

Just journalling re some thoughts, How To Act

I mentioned a 'window' to H's old self not too long ago. It was odd to know how to act.

There are so many things to take into consideration:
- don't believe anything they say
- their acting is 'academy award' & yet
- with sadness, you don't want to be cruel, esp if trying (VERY hard to decipher)

I was pleasant enough, but maybe 'not reciprocal' enough. It was too much after all this time (of understanding, patience & my own academy award actions, specifically PMA, even when I wanted to cry) ... all this in addition to recently blossoming, anger moments. It was NOt easy to reciprocate & did not come naturally to me. I think I did enough to not scare them. Anyway, the week went by with the individual aka H, who I hadn't seen pre MLc. And then ...

- the prospect grew less promising (social skills issues).
- immediately following that call, I felt the cool breeze - h was not hostile, but quieter & with that, distance returned. It was as if the call reinforced the fear(s?)

Having experienced this - I realize that there must be so much more shame attached to this for him. Shame I take for granted b/cuz I don't think that there is anything to be ashamed of, esp. when things are out of your control!

He communicated with me (called to update!! ) when things appeared to be working out. Today, he was gone for hours - no word, less warmth. I expect the clubbing thing to be on tonight.

Re GAL
Today, I bought some new lipstick & n/polish for my toenails . My new friend (also experiencing M woes) & I are to enjoy a girls day out! She planned everything & has witnessed first hand how things fall apart around me as I am unable to keep up with all. So when's he's gone tonight (& if not, it's the $), I will pamper myself, sort my paper stuff to organize my life (with music in b/grd) & read DB for even more information. After all, I won't have the time in future when I GAL!! LOL
p.