I should really add to that, that I had the double (and probably even trickier) challenge of "How do I give her even GLIMPSES of a 'new-and-improved Starsky' (Plan A), without sending the message that I'm condoning her affair?"
Because if you're reading my sitch, you'll see that i NEVER WAVERED -- EVER -- from my "I will not live in an open marriage" boundary, I came down HARD financially, eventually even legally (filed for divorce) and I even decided to lay a "NO DECEIT" boundary.
So THROUGH all of that, I had to still give her glimpses that I "got it," and that if she did decide to end her affair and come back to the marriage, she would find a MUCH better Starsky, who was willing to work on my part of our issues and who was willing to forgive. (which we could do an ENTIRE THREAD on, as it gets too overlooked around here, and I rarely talk enough about it)
You've already hit on, on your own, one of the key ways you let her see that (through your interactions with your kids, and then also with others), but it's a challenge to be sure.
Dr. Harley recommends that you do "Plan A" for at LEAST 6 months, and recommends that men do up to 12. Personally, I didn't have the stomach for enduring that kind of ongoing deceit, and damage to my family. That's the main reason I pushed as hard and as fast as I did. If people feel they can do it for a year and still not have their family's finances, emotional and even medical health suffer, then I have no problem with that. I couldn't do it and I have actually found that MEN have a harder time doing it longer, not the other way around. Because in-your-face, unrepentant affairs are downright emasculating.
