WAH & MLC? - EA/PA - Please Help

[Train]

A friendly neighborhood disclaimer: Sam, not everyone agrees on approaches around here - and, from what I've read, A's in particular REALLY put people in different camps sometimes on how to DB. Yes, my approach was more firm - I listened to (and agreed with) Starsky probably 95% of the time in my own sitch ... and I agree with him at least 95% of the time still. But some of the things I did - such as exposing my H's affair - does not align with every, single DB principle.

But what I did *worked* to re-attract my H. It also *worked* in that not only do I have my own self-respect in tact, but my H is *treating* me respectfully.

No approach is guaranteed, obviously. I WILL say your sitch sounds a whole lot like mine pre-BD. I'll also say that you (and/or we) can psychoanalyze you(rself) all day long - and maybe you DO have unresolved abandonment issues - but from what I just read, you are a smart, articulate, level-headed, attractive woman who is independent and patient enough to raise your kids on potatoes while your H lives life high-on-the-hog.

I'll also say that the whole "independent, I-don't-want-to-appear-weak-and-vulnerable" thing can make us pretty crappy wives.

There's a balance in there somewhere, Sam. I think it should be high on your priority list to find it.

Let me see if I can think "out loud" here, using primarily my own sitch as an example.

Just like you, I realized, during the separation with my H, that I had lost myself BIG TIME during the course of our M. I had let myself go. And - if I'm being honest - I had become somewhat of a martyr: "I CAN'T go out with friends! I have nothing to wear! I've gained too much weight to wear my pre-pregnancy clothes, and I spend all the money we budgeted for clothes on the kids!!! Waaah! Waaah! Poor pitiful me!" (Okay, maybe I wasn't THAT dramatic, but looking back, that has to be EXACTLY what I sounded like.)

Truthfully, even DURING our M I realized that I had let myself go. But it was always the same excuses: I homeschool S8 and stay home with D3. I'm dealing with two teenagers primarily on my own. I don't have time for me. Did I mention I don't have anything to wear?

And you wanna know something? I just assumed my H was going to stick around, Sam. That's how my parents' M was: they weren't wildly passionate, they hardly ever held hands, they never really had to WORK on their M. They just.showed.up. They were loyal. Period. And I assumed - even though my H had cheated on me once before, early on in our M - that being together 8 more years meant we had everything down pat: maybe we weren't HAPPY, but we would "just show up" until the kids were grown, then we could enjoy life ... and each other ... a little more.

Hogwash.

Who was Sam in the beginning of your relationship? Tell us about who you were that attracted your H to you in the first place. Just from reading your posts, I already feel like I may know ... and that she may be a little lost right now in dirty diapers and juice boxes.

Again, you'll get varying opinions about this for sure, and we can psycho-babble all day long about what came first - the chicken or the egg - when we talk about how *incredibly* disrespectful your H has been toward you. But the simple fact is: Wow. He's been incredibly disrespectful toward you. And you deserve MUCH better than that.

To ask a wife and the mother of your children: "What happened to your boobs?" And to follow that up with: "You need to do something about that"??!?

Um, no. Just no.

I'll be honest: I wouldn't want to sleep with a man who said that to me, either! Gee whiz!

You will likely be surprised to find, though, Sam, that when you learn to like and respect *yourself* again, your H may just follow suit. And if he *doesn't* follow suit? YOU CAN CHOOSE whether you want to continue in your M or not. That knife cuts both ways.

This was my approach, as you probably already know from reading my sitch: Yes, I exposed the A, hoping it would end it quicker once the secrecy and risk were gone. I set firm boundaries with my H. I told him I would not discuss our relationship, or anything reconciliation-related, until/unless he broke things off with OW and agreed to a complete, full transparency plan. He laughed at me and repeatedly swore he was never coming back home. But that was okay; I stuck to my boundaries, realizing I'm a prize, I will be *no one's* "Plan B," and, yes, I was willing to lose my M if he did not end his A. I was not going to be in an open marriage. Period. At the same time, I wrestled with who *I* had become as a woman and a wife. I realized it would be hard to re-attract my H if I continued letting myself go and being a nagging "Old Mother Hubbard" who basically completely shut my H out, even - I'm ashamed to admit - of our bed. I mean, what man would WANT to live with that???

So I started working on ME. Slowly, I started feeling better about myself; I even bought myself a new outfit - complete with jewelry - at least every two weeks. I started wearing a little make-up and throwing in earrings every day. (This was to help me feel better and also proved to be important because my H would find reasons to just drop by the house unannounced ... until I also set a boundary with THAT.) I started meeting up with friends, shooting guns, reading a little more and even planning things to do with the kids on my own ... which was a pretty big deal because we were always cooped up in the house. Toward my H? I became more calm. I wouldn't engage with him. I'd ignore texts that were meant to fuel a fire and would only answer texts that asked a question, presented an emergency or required a response due to something with the kids. But if he was having a "calm" day and would text me something about his work (usually a complaint), I would respond kindly, "Wow. That must have been difficult to hear, especially considering how hard you're working. And just for what it's worth, by the way, I really do appreciate you working so hard and continuing to provide for our family during this difficult time for us all. That really means a lot."

All that to say: I put down firm boundaries that protected my family and my heart. But I also worked simultaneously on being a better me ... not only for myself but for the person I would find myself in a relationship with down the road. And I hoped that would be my H.

I started feeling a lot better about myself; people even commented that I looked years younger. That was mainly because I started feeling good and confident. I reached a place where I knew I would be okay with or without my H or my M. And, no, I didn't coddle him, and I didn't allow him to treat me like a doormat ... which would have done NOTHING positive for my PMA or self-esteem while he was with OW. And ANY self-esteem we can hang onto during these difficult times is worth hanging onto, do you agree?

And what's cool, Sam, is that H noticed the changes - big time. At the risk of sharing TMI, when he came home, he told me one of the things he'd really like for me to do is send him - ahem - pictures from time to time. At first, my initial reaction (only in my mind) was "old Train": "Ew. How immature! That's what high-schoolers do! What if I accidentally send it to the wrong person? Can't you just wait until you get home and see the real deal?"

And then it hit me: Eureka! That's what high-schoolers do! That's what H and I would have done (if we'd had nifty, high-tech cell phones when we were dating). And - punch in the gut - that's what he and OW were doing.

I should note, too, Sam, that when I let go of my own inhibitions a little, I felt sexier and more attractive ... and the other girls out there in the world - even OW - really didn't matter so much anymore.

You're right: The A is a symptom of much bigger problems in the M. But *until As are over*, I do not think you can start working on those other problems. It just doesn't work. Affairs cause people to think and behave *completely differently* than who they'd otherwise be, and there's a physical reason for that involving the brain and chemicals and all that jazz.

Also, you have to get *yourself* in an okay place, mentally. You have to find your self-confidence again. Pursuing a man who's treating you like dirt - even if that man is your H - will NOT help you get to that "okay place," IMO. And until you feel confident in your own skin again, you're going to have a very difficult time showing your H - through your actions - that you're a "newer, better" Sam.

I, like Tarheel, have some really serious concerns about the way your H speaks to and treats you. But I've watched my H go from acting like a disrespectful, spoiled-rotten brat to treating me with respect. But it all started with ME showing MYSELF respect first.

I know I've been all over the place here and have typed a lot about my own sitch, but hopefully it's coherent enough to follow along ... and glean something from.

I hope you have a glorious time on your solo vacation; that will give you some peace and quiet to really think about where you are, where you want to be and how you want to get there. My beach trip with my kids in April was a game-changer for me AND my M. A little distance, time and space has a tendency to help with clarity and resolve.

Hang in there!