afraid I have waited too long #3

[sandi2]

Sandi, I have not assured my W I would always be there but Just recently I did tell her I loved her and if she stopped A we could work on things. Did I go too far?

I think it is a mistake to tell her those things. It places you in an unattractive position, and she doesn't respect you.

[nit84]

Thanks Sandi,

I figured it was not good to say those things. TBH, I am having a hard time all the sudden dealing with not talking to her while living in the next room. I was fine for almost 8 months. What happened?

I wish I could put my finger on it so I can Identify my problem and solve it.

Without knowing it or making sure I know how to do it, I guess I was trying to set a boundary and I failed miserably.

I am still GALing, doing 180's,and trying my Damnedest to follow the DB principles. I have even gone back to reread DR but I suppose without much practice my validating and empathizing skills have lessened.

I know I am nowhere near totally detached but, other then talking with her, nothing W does or could do really bothers me at this point.

It just bothers me that my W says( I know she is a WAW but) people have asked her if I beg and pleaded for her to stay, told her I wanted to work on things, That I loved her etc...

W is right I haven't really done any or those things in a year until I have backslid these last 2 weeks.

Why then if she doesn't want an answer does she ask the question?

Should I just not answer these type questions when W poses them?

I might have forgot something here but how do you turn a question and answer session into a validating and empathizing opportunity?

[nit84]

I have a question, Nothing really new in my sitch I got a good morning today and I later told W that something she did was a great idea and she said thanks.

I was gone all afternoon as I believe W was also. I came home her door is ajar and when I rounded the corner she shut it rather hard. I went about my business and was then in my room.

She came out of our bedroom and was going somewhere and she stopped to ask if our BIL is on vacation because her Mother was trying to get a hold of him. I said no but he has changed his phone number a couple times since they last contacted him. He is a HVAC technician and has done favors for my MIL in the past and some other of W family even after S.

None of this really bothers me because it is out of my control what other people say or do.

Last week my W and MIL wiped out my family from a social media site including my Sister whose H is the BIL whom I am speaking about. Not a big deal at all no one seemed upset at this.

My question is When W asked these things about BIL should I have said something along the lines of "why is you Mom calling him, cant she find someone else to do her a favor seeing as we really aren't family anymore."?

I didn't have urge to say anything and I just gave W the number and she said thanks.

Should I be more upset about this then I am? I don't want W to think I was giving her his number hoping that she would reconsider her decision to remain S and that is why I didn't get upset or say some snide remark.

I saw no reason to take issue with this and add fuel to an already raging fire.


Sometimes I think I get it all backwards I get upset about the wrong things at the wrong times and then stuff that should upset me doesn't.

Just trying to make the best of a difficult deal.

[nit84]

Yesterday was a bit difficult as I had to send in my 1st support check for my W who is living 2 feet from me currently.

I also was told that W put 2 concert tickets up for sale to a concert next week. I will be attending this concert also on my own tickets. It is a large concert so chances of running into her are pretty low. I am not sure she even knows I am going.

Just observing what little I can of her, she seems a bit down or in a bad mood.

My BIL has told me he will go over to MIL to fix her air conditioning, I said "ok that's good wasn't sure if MIL would call you or not but I did give your number to my W."

Other than that I am just GAL and trying to Detach some more.


Have good day all!!

[nit84]

Back up on my soapbox for a second,

I thought the reason I had to give my W support was so she could move out and get away from this supposed hell that she says I am putting her through.

As I sit to make a budget for myself after this support is paid out I have come to realize that if my W stays in the home with me. She will have about 1600.00 a month to use however she pleases. After I pay the bills and hopefully she gives me her portion for the % of bills she is responsible for I will have about 550.00!! Nothing my L can do it is the law in my state.

WTF, is wrong with picture. I didn't sit on my behind for a year and not look for a job so I could go to gym the 3 times day lose 120 lbs and start an A with a trainer.

I worked as hard as I could to make sure I didn't lose my job through this ordeal and now I may have to get a 2nd job to eat.

So much for the consequences of being a WAW.

I know I am a better person than I was 13 months ago and for that I thank GOD every night but man this is a bitter pill to swallow. I am not wishing bad luck or ill will on my W but it seems like she is coming out of this smelling like a rose.

I will not let it show in front of her but I am pretty bitter at the moment.

I can't tell her to leave, the house is half hers, I can't refinance without her approval and I really don't want to sell the house.

I will figure something out and all will be fine just venting at the moment.

Sorry

Am I off base here comments appreciated

[nit84]

feeling better today after getting that out of my system yesterday.

I am just going to keep GALing and doing 180's hoping at some point something will work better than the ones I have been doing.

I am not bitter at my W for what is happening legally now. It is the system that is flawed in some respects and she is just doing what she is allowed to do. I am mad at the system.

This is the attitude I will try to keep to allow the road home to remain paved as much as possible.

Taking the emotion out of things and stepping back a little, even though my W seems to have the upper hand when it comes to having more disposable income at the moment than me, I don't know what is churning inside of her and what battles she may be fighting with herself if any.

So to think she is living on easy street would be to project the wrong attitude and she will sense this.

Have a happy Friday all, comment welcomed

[nit84]

Feeling a bit strange.

Yesterday It rained a lot so there wasn't much I could in the way of yard work or GALing. I stayed around the house watching movies doing laundry and reading. I did go out once to pick up some needed things at the market.

My W was also home most of the day only going to the gym for about 3 hrs which is abnormal she normally is gone 5 to 6 hrs on a Saturday.

I remained downstairs and she was upstairs with her bedroom door shut the whole day. When she did come out I asked a couple questions and she answered them and I went about my business.

I know DB is counter-intuitive but it felt like maybe I should have knocked on the bedroom door and asked W if she wanted to watch TV or something, not necessarily with me even, W return cable box from our bedroom the day of the hearing 3 weeks ago so she wouldn' t have to pay a % of the cable bill.

This is the longest we have been in the house together in about 6 months I hope I didn't miss a chance to fill her love tank somehow even if just a little.

Since our last R talk two weeks ago I have pretty much gone back to detaching as much as possible and I am ok with how I have handled it.

Yesterday it was a feeling that I had to fight off realizing there was probably was nothing to be gained by trying to get my W to come out from behind a closed door.

Sometimes it just seems silly for two people who intimately know each other to walk around like two ships passing in the night. I get it, that she wants a D but to hole up in a confined space for many hours at a time can't be good for anybody.

I am not saying we need to talk about R but some idle conversation would probably be helpful for both of us.

If she is determined to remain cooped up I don't understand why she is still living under the same roof with me.

She has the court order providing her support from me so what is stopping her? The least she could be doing is making it seem like she is moving.

I am not sure how I would feel is she did move out but I know I wouldn't try to stop her.

I don't think she is waiting for me to ask or beg her not to go but then again she told me that it upset her that I only have told her I loved her once in the year since we S and that was after the support hearing while we were discussing the A possibility.

I feel if anything I would like to ask for her to read 5LL it seems like it would be the least clingy, needy, or pursuing book to ask her to take a look at but I'm not sure.

comments, 2 x 4's, advice all welcomed.

[nit84]

couple of updates to my sitch.

First, the bank wants to lend me the money I am looking to cover all of our debt.

Problem is Even though I will be assuming all the debt my W still is on the deed which I don't mind but it means she has to sign the papers also.

If W thinks about it logically she will sign no problem, if she thinks with her emotions there may be bit of a problem convincing her.

The short version is we will save about 1100.00/ per month and her individually about 475.00. I think right there it should be attractive to her.

There are other ways to entice her for instance I would be willing to cover all her household expenses if she drops the support payments. She is still allowed to stay here because her name is on the deed. This means that other than her cell phone bill and maybe a new credit card in her name only she would have no bills at all and still have a roof over her head and a decent job that would allow to move out if she chose to do so.

I don't care either way what she does(stays or get her own place.)but this refinance is needed to help out with keeping us financially stable.

She could say no just out of spite and that would be unfortunate and not her best interest but that is her right.

How can I explain all this in such a way that she will agree that it is good for both of us taking the D emotions out of the equation.

The second thing is The last two nights I have returned home within a few minutes after my W has. The first night I went to a concert. Last night I went out for a smoothie with some friends I returned home at 2 different times specifically to not have W think anything.

Nothing was said the first night but last night she confronted me and said she finds it strange that I returned home minutes after she did. It was said with accusatory overtures. I told her what I did because I have no secrets. She said that fine it is just strange.

I hope this doesn't play into her mind when I explain the money deal.

Any suggestion on how to approach speaking with W about these money options?

And I know I don't owe her an explanation of my doings and whereabouts but I felt I had to tell her in this instance so she knew I was telling the truth and not trying to hide something like I was following her or something.

I have let all of that stuff go and would never follow her although she feels otherwise. All the info I have concerning her life has come from outside sources. I have asked them to stop telling me because I believe I know enough and have learned to let it go.

Any help would be greatly appreciated!!

[nit84]

Hasn't been much going this past week until W was out till exactly 1:00 am 2 nights in a row and then last night she left about 11:00 p.m. and came home at 7:00 a.m. this morning. I didn't say anything just went out to get my Saturday morning coffee at the usual time. She was in our bedroom so I didn't see her. When I returned a half hour later she had left again meaning she was only home for less than an hour.

I went about my business like it is a normal Sat Morning weeded the flowers, talk to a neighbor just things I would do anyway.

If I said I wasn't a little upset I would be lying but on a whole I'm fine.

A bit of mindreading here but it seems like the W wanted to make sure she didn't see me this morning or afternoon I'm thinking because she might think I would say something. I am not going to bring it up, it is her life and she can do whatever she chooses to do.

My Question is if she brings it up to try and draw me in to a argument how do I respond?

If she says something like did you notice I was gone all night and the reason why was(insert anything). How do I respond?

Very longshot here but if she says spent the night at a friends house male or female. Does this change the response?

She got her own cell phone a month ago and I haven't asked nor has she offered me the number. I didn't think W would call anyways unless she was in trouble.

She knows I know about OM and it hasn't been brought up in 4 weeks and that was by my W so she could deny it again.

At this point it doesn't matter if she stays or she goes to me but I would like it one way or the other. I was ordered to pay her support and with her new job so she has plenty of money to get her own place but doesn't seem to be moving in that direction at the moment.

If she does mention something about not coming home is it ok to suggest that she may as well move out because she hasn't really been staying here except to sleep for a few hours since last Weds?

I don't really want to but I don't know if have to in order to not let my W become a cake eater.

I am not sure she knows I am not ok with her and the OM. 5 weeks ago while discussing the possibility of an A. I told her that I loved her and could forgive the affair but the way I said it it could have been taken as I will love you no matter what you do.

I do love her but I do not want an open M so somehow when the opportunity presents itself I think I have to be clearer about my Boundaries when it comes to an A.

Looking for some answer to those questions and any other advice you may have. Thanks in advance!!

[nit84]

An addition to my post yesterday.

W comes homes around 7:00 pm I was in the spare bedroom napping.

She went into her room so after about 20min I got up and left to go buy a book.

I came home 2 hrs later and she was still here so I went downstairs to read.

She was doing Laundry and on top of the washer waiting to be washed was a bag of Mens clothing I am assuming the OM's.

I was taken back but held my composure. I went about reading the book knowing she would be up and down the stairs.

I received a message from friend and she said to try to keep the lines of communication open. I guess this friend didn't understand when I said there is no talking I really meant there is NO TALKING. But I figured I would give it shot since W would be right behind me and it would keep me from getting upset about the clothes.

I asked how my step FIL is doing and she answered then I asked another question and she answered. She then proceeded to tell me she wasn't feeling well must have been something she ate. This whole time she is loading OM clothes in washer. I was sitting lower so maybe she thought I couldn't see and really I couldn't but I knew what was going on.

I know this is very disrespectful but if I bring it up it probably wont gain me any ground and might cost me some.

Am I being too much of a doormat? Should I be saying stuff about these things that bother me to her?

Like I said I don't care if she stays or goes but I want the road home to paved smooth if she leaves plus I have to be civil with her at the moment so she signs the refinance papers allowing me to have a loan in my name only but still keeping the deed in both of our names for right now.

Could really use some advice right now.