Unfortunately you're in a tough spot, Ox, b/c your wife very likely doesn't take your stated boundaries seriously, based on your past behaviors and unwillingness to enforce boundaries. So when you say "I do not want to hear you talk about OM; we are still married," it goes in one ear and out the other and she comes back and tests you on this again and again and again.
All you can really do is enforce your boundary, and show 100% consistency in it. It's like with kids -- you can stick to your guns 19 out of 20 times, but if it's not 20 out of 20 you've pretty much blown it.
With my wife, I had a pretty good track record already of "saying what I mean and meaning what I say," so I really only had the lay the boundaries once or twice and she abided by them. With you, you have this "passive-aggressive" history with your wife, and some dysfunction there, so it's going to take a longer stretch of being consistent I think.
Starsky
Thanks Starsky, I think your right, I am trying to do the best I can with boundaries.
Part of the Passive aggressive was when I would get mad at her and tell her I was kicking her out etc, knowing full well I could not.
I have really bit my tongue over and over the last week or so. Its just that I have to move from anxiety to calmness before I speak.
For example today I saw she did not deposit her expense check yet. I emailed her to remind her. I started getting anxious thinking she took the money for OM. She just got back to me that it should be at home and I should deposit it... Had this been two weeks ago I would be on the phone all nervous and accusatory..
