Hi all - "was never in love"

[Mat]

Hi all - thanks for the support. I feel a bit bad that I haven't shown up on other threads lately. I think I'll get back to it, especially since I have a bit more clarity so may be able to help out, who knows.

I think it'd be a good habit to track by 180s, publicly and in an accountable manner. It will also help me keep them in mind.

i) STFU, listen and validate.
Thinking about it, I don't have much progress to report. I have been more careful at work not to jump over other people. It's not the whole idea by any stretch. I need to create the occasion. I am a little wary of validating other dudes though, may come across as odd.

ii) Arguing small points, being a smartass
I ought to be getting a lot better at this. I have tons of opportunities to practice; it's a reflex that I need to kill off and it pervades all my interactions; so practicing it at work is just as good as anything. Maybe I'll flag this to my boss as professional development, so I can get feedback from him. You're not always conscious of your bad habits in practice. Goal for this coming week, is whenever I have the urge to contradict someone, play back their point to them first and find something about it to agree with.

iii) Not making her feel attractive
Not there yet!

iv) "Walking on eggshells" - telling her what she wants to hear.
Assertiveness point there. If there weren't so many budget cuts I'd ask for a coach at work. In the meantime I'll ask for help from my IC. Also, I've read some books on the topic. I am making progress at work on this I am pretty sure. Need to track it though. The feeling I need to watch for is apprehension before a conversation, the urge to be passive-aggressive instead of forthright and open.

v) Talking about my feelings
My IC isn't a DB guy. So he keeps checking how I'm feeling about holding out for a reconciliation that will probably never happen. Instead of trying to ram DB down his throat, I have expressed that I don't think any relationship with me in it, in the last 10 years, would have worked out. So the reason I leave the door open is that I could look for someone new, but that wasn't the issue in the first place. My W was and is a perfectly good candidate even today; just need to create a better relationship. So it's not that I am clinging; it's just that I've not identified my W as the problem so until she's decidedly closed to R and the D is signed, I am open to R. He seems to have accepted that; and he wants to work on why I don't think I could have succeeded in any relationships. That's perfectly in line with DB as far as I'm concerned.
Anyway, long preamble to say that I'll work with IC to process feelings better. I believe that it's a keystone aspect of my personality that's made it harder to do the right things for my relationship. In the meantime, I'll also be more vocal about how I feel with the appropriate audiences. This morning, I did signal to a colleague that I was feeling aggravated for no good reason, and I needed to shake it off! Just in a light, chatty way. He said he gets like that on Friday mornings too! Small baby steps. We're not into the deep stuff at all, but it's the discipline I presume.

In terms of GAL, I think I need to catch up with a friend this weekend. Kickboxing and PT are great, but I need to sit down and chat. I'll think of my willing victim and send out a text...

Have a great weekend all!