I found this post on another DBer's thread about WAW and friend-zoning their LBH. Most of what she says is really giving men a peek into a woman's mind and she's spot on. W want/need to respect their H as a leader in the home. If she demotes him then she has lost respect for him. Why would a H settle for anything less than what he already has a right to...by her choosing to marry him in the first place?
Anyway here's the the post.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
quick question though on the indeffrence.... ive never turned down her request to talk, should I shut it down, no more talking with her unless its about the kids...not be there for her emotionally until things change?
It depends on where you are on this journey. And also, everyone's stitch may vary just a bit. For example, if the couple are still living together, and the W starts talking at the dinner table or whenever the family are gathered together, I would be careful about cutting her off (as long as she's not being disrespectful and the subject matter is not about the R or inappropriate for the kids). This time with the children should be pleasant and gives you an opportunity to shine.
If living together, or not, and she begins whining, playing the victim, being disrespectful, b*tchy, demanding, bossy, etc., then you shut her down right then and there. If you don't know how to shut her down.......then you immediately leave her presence. But you do not tolerate her giving you a cr@p bath.
If not living together, and she calls to just talk about herself, or try's to manipulate you into doing something for her, end the conversation. (If it becomes a habit with her, You could even give a slight hint of sounding bored at her self centerness. ). After all, she gave you up, remember. You don't owe her. The only thing you have to discuss is about the kids, and if need be....you direct the conversation back to the subject of your children.
If she initiates the conversation, and as long as she is speaking politely and softly, and being civil, I think you should listen. (As long as it doesn't get to be all about her life and her problems too much, or not getting nosy about yours). If you see it is about to take a wrong turn and her emotions are getting ugly or it gets on the R, then change the subject or use the nosy neighbor method. If she makes a "request" to talk, be cautious. It usually means a R talk, or something serious. Just be on your toes till you can see what it's about. Use common sense with this.
It teaches her how she can talk to you and what you will not not tolerate. If she starts asking questions about you (especially if you are separated or she's brought up D)....she learns she is trespassing into your private territory. She doesn't get the answers she was after. It frustrates her how you can just smile, or give your little low chuckle and say goodbye or turn and leave her hanging.
She learns she gets no place with horsey behavior. She has to act like a lady before you give her the time of day. She can't dictate or boss you around. She can't even complain about you, b/c you don't linger around to listen to it. If she gets mad and throws a fit, she has to do it privately b/c you won't be her audience. She also learned she has to live with the circumstances of her choices and not go crying to you (of all people) and expect sympathy. Which really surprises her.
Yes, she gets frustrated, but what really gets her is how you just keep standing tall, and in control. She can't seem to ruffle your feathers regardless of her behavior, even when she starts spewing,, you call her out about how unattractive that behavior makes her look and then you leave her standing alone.
When she gets to the point she can talk nicely, respectfully, and politely, you seem patient and not in a hurry to end the conversation. Heck, you even validate some thongs she says! So, when she starts thinking of a possible reconciliation, she will approach you in the right manner/attitude. Funny how all this has changed her outlook of you as a man. She had doubted your strength. She wasn't attracted to you. She sure didn't respect you b/c she used to be able to speak anyway she wanted and you just took it like a beaten down dog. But no longer! And now she finds herself beginning to not only see you differently, but her own feelings seem to be changing.
Now this is all from the woman's POV, of course. Women have always used their mouth as a weapon. They expect men to be stronger. That's why they lose respect for the man they can beat down by the words they speak.
Does this answer your question?
Is there a male version of Sandi out there to chime in for the other team...seriously? What about when a WAH wants to friend zone their W. Does this quote apply? I mean there's definitely a difference in thought processes, right? Or, am I incorrect in this?
Can anyone bring Sandi in? I'd rather not hijack Oad's thread anymore than it already has.
