1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

Couple of things to say tonight.

1) Mr. Bond, I appreciate you steering me the best you can. I really do. Your point is well taken. The whole DB approach is based on simple behavior and dynamic adjustments, not time traveling and Freudian psychobabble. I get it. The reason this breakthrough is big for me is though it by itself doesn't do one iota's worth of good in a vacuum, it is making it easier for me to make the changes that will. For example, consider the following goals with detachment/GAL/180s:

-Detaching. I'm feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I feel very confident in my ability to navigate through whatever life throws at me. Understand, I was hurting at a level 10 on the pain scale for periods of time that felt I was crossing oceans. I know I will still have powerful emotions and difficult times, but I KNOW I can handle them because dealing with reality isn't nearly as bad as dealing with the fear of what might come. Because of this I'm more at peace with the divorce than I thought I ever could be.

-GAL. Because I'm feeling better about myself and my ability to meet my own emotional needs I am finding more joy in things than I have in the past. It's leading to me truly feeling more confident and content. Even when life is tough right now I'm realizing I can thrive.

-Validating (180) I am more in tune with my own emotions, and better able to understand my STBX's. Also, because I'm not as needy or insecure, I am not as threatened by her point of view because if that means I get rejected or don't get everything I want, I can handle that.

-Less angry/intense (180): I'm finding I don't build up my neglected emotions or blow things out of proportion, so I can be more even keel and less threatening.

-Focusing on the needs of others (180): I am able to do this easier because I'm not looking for a return on investment. In the past I did things because I expected reciprocation. Now I don't feel as needy which allows me to be more generous. I'm channeling that towards being a better father and co-parent.

2) Finally, the update. Tonight was my night to be with the children, still visiting them at my old place with STBX around. Things were really warm. I felt very at peace, not concerned about her or what she was thinking, and just focused on having quality time with the children. And the atmosphere was one of laughter, fun, and some good connection.

My W initiated a few exchanges and it was very comfortable. I did some things with the kids that got them laughing and she joined when she was around. Laughing at my jokes, things like that. Then she surprised me by asking if I was hungry, ended up making us kabobs on the grill. Finally she asked for my help moving something heavy out of the garage, she asked if it was heavy enough for me and I replied "Light...as...a feather" in between grunts, got another laugh (had to be there).

To be clear, nothing said or done across the line of what you'd do with a friendly neighbor. With one exception. The vibe in the room was very safe, upbeat, casual, and...we'll stick with very warm.

Doesn't mean she's not proceeding with the D or that she's going to change her mind. But she's seeing the best part of me, and I'm feeling like I'm becoming more of the H only a fool would leave. Best of all I'm not stressed out about how she feels, what it means. I'll be fine and I'll enjoy the warmth and good will co-parenting our children and be grateful for those moments when they come. Maybe more will happen. Maybe not. But I'm blessed that we aren't trying to kill each other.

Doesn't mean I don't need to continue to grow. My two big goals are to get further involved with co-parenting (learning what's she's doing with them so I can be consistent and support her) and learning more about handling my emotions (I'm shelving the relationship books for a moment and reading more about my personal growth).

Thanks!