Don't know what to do, fight for it or move on

[TRDiver]

Hello All,

Not sure where to begin or what to say. I'll try to cut right to it. [re-reading this I realize I sound horrible, there are good / great times etc but I'm cutting to the issues and being fully honest with my faults]

We've been together since high school. Very inseparable, very close. Never fighting. My wife has been amazing through the entire relationship, very much the ultra giver and sacrificer. I own most of the problems in the relationship, Substance Abuse issues which I have corrected for the most part (one slip in two years) however the damage has been done, esp to her self esteem and self worth and her trust in me. I've crushed her heart as she says. Also lack of household help; until recently suffered from a mentality that providing the pay check and whatnot was what it meant.

In college she did cheat on me which I now realize I've spent many years punishing her for, with non-trust and cutting comments. Instead of being her best cheerleader I saw myself as her coach / fixer. Used cutting comments to build my low esteem up from the cheating. I'm very humorous by nature, but at some point it turned into mean and cutting and not funny; and it took a great toll on her. I've breached trust in serious ways (stolen medications, broken promises, mean comments, etc).

Two years ago she had enough and separated, I cleaned myself up with the SA issues. Started to correct the mean / nasty side as well. We fell into some hardship and I allowed resentments and negativity to get the best of me and slipped back into old cutting comments / not helping around the house / not appreciating her - it forms a pattern she and I both see over the years. I can be quite harsh in how I say things, blunt if you will. It does impact our daughters too which is part of why she is leaving and kills me so I must correct that.

As the sig points out, she's called it quits a few months ago. I've since learned there was / is another man in the situation. Wife says she loves me, but not in love with me. Will always love me and carry me with her, but cannot do 'this' any more. I rightly agree, and am willing to work on it, however she's closed off to this. Too little too late, etc, how will it be different this time, it is way to easy for her to fall back into the same pattern with me, etc.

I can tell that she doesn't want this and would love for it to be different, but there's 1) the other relationship 2) she's exhausted and rightly so form carrying the burdens for so long 3) can't trust me or that any changes will stick 4) she's finally allowing herself to feel the anger and betrayal of my past behaviour rather than compartmentalizing so there's a huge hill to climb.

She's always born the responsibility for my happiness in her or felt that she had to, which I didn't expect, but nonetheless had taken on. It has exhausted her, and now that I see it must be horrible. She's tried via her love for so long to help me and bring me up and it has worn her down. She rightly says now, now that I've left you had it in you all along to improve and change but why now? Much like the WAW section in DR, it is very much because she's gone I've been forced to review but she's understandably very frustrated at that.

She says the OM treats her like a princess and makes her happy, however a female friend of hers that I've been working with to really 'see the light' and view things from another perspective advised her to work on our marriage or at least close one door before opening another. She broke it off with the OM, but also told me she was closing the door on me, or closing both doors and slogging it on her own. I've since discovered she's back in contact and I suspect the relationship will bloom again or already has. That is to say, the door for them was shut a week, but for us perm.

For my part I realize I have a ton of work to do, I love my wife and realize I have selfishness, low esteem and other issues to work on and overcome. I would love to apply DB / LRT and work my issues but I'm afraid there's too much to overcome and no time as she's enthralled with the OM (I knew she was heading to a relationship with him before she did, that's how close we are / were). I've just started IC, it is slow going here because of the system but I will work it. I am willing to put all the necessary and hard yards in.

We are very friendly and amicable, have decided to co-parent, friends, etc. In the last two months I have pushed hard for reconciliation so I've made all the classic mistakes. I'm working on detaching and GAL but I'm afraid just reading through above that there's no point / hope esp if she's happy, should I even bother. I know within me there's been a sea change, and I can't ever treat her the way I did, but of course there's no way to say that; I have to show it. I've really been soul searching and with the help of her friend really looking at things differently than I ever have. I think with two years of hard sobriety under me my brain has changed and I see things differently and there's a good foundation; however, is it too late?

We are great friends and I want my family restored and to get back to the man / husband she was proud of and wanted to be with, but I fear it is impossible. I'm mostly through the DR book, but I'm very confused because we've never been a traditional couple nor done things similar to others. We even say to each other there's no manual now for this we have to take it one day at a time - I firmly believe she's done, but I also know there's a part of her that wants it to not be done, but I don't know if that's 22 years inertia and/or if the infatuation with the OM can be overcome.

I don't know what to do? I realize I should GAL and improve for me and my daughters, but should I try to fight for this marriage or a new relationship with my wife or let her go with the new man. I'd love nothing more than to restore the family unit and tackle the world together as we used to, but I fear it is too late.

I guess in the meantime, do I let her know I know she's rekindled with the OM? She's moving out in a few days to finish her uni degree (last term) and will be much closer to OM. Or do I ignore it? So many questions.

I should mention that things sound horribly bleak above, but I'm not that horrible / bad. I have a lot of work to do and willing to do it, but not sure where to start, what to do, etc. I find myself oft wondering how I let things get to this point.