Hurt and Confused 2

[25yearsmlc]

25yrs...you are right, I do tend to see the negative only. She is not fighting over costudy of the kids, she wants to split everything all good things. I am hurt just like she must be and I have to remember to focus on me and how I can be a better person. Yes this job would be huge if I get it...or shall I say when I get it

I know you are hurt. But complaining about her wanting to be fair is a little...wacky.

Just admit you are hurt that she wants out. That's understandable but be honest about why you are upset. Otherwise you sound a little nutty (no offense, okay?)

Can't complain about her wanting to split things evenly, or for her to pay CS, or that she wants to share the kids evenly, or that she wants to talk to you.

Also, fwiw, (sandi chime in here if you like) my DB coach gave me some advice about when my h and I were sep.

H would call me and tell me about his days. NO OW were in the picture that either of us knew of or whatever.

So there was not any wildly inappropriate discussion topic.
But he DID complain to me about his life at times, even though these were choices HE made on his own and which I opposed. It sounded a lot like whining to me and as if I was his bff for him to cry on my shoulder...

(I never once threw in his face the fact that I had predicted these bad events, and opposed his choices. Yes It crossed my mind briefly a time or two. I was so hurt! But I'm not always a fool. I knew STFU was the most loving thing to do.)

Anyhow, my DB coach told me at those times (when h was opening up & I was tempted to just end the conversation and show him what it's like to NOT have me)
But she said
to "LISTEN LIKE A LOVER"

and that was not easy. But i did it and it soothed him a bit. I noticed a marked difference in how he spoke to me the next time he called. A tiny bit more relaxed though still guarded. (I'm sure he expected me to bite his head off b/c I had before).

So I listened to him a lot more actively. Also, she said to "applaud loudly for the 1% positives h does"

and I did that too. Also VERY hard.

That was harder b/c of all the things I WANTED from him, which he was not doing. I felt as if he was getting a free pass.

But I did as she said and eventually he began doing more of those things I was applauding.

So in short, what my DB coach said, worked. it helped. THAT'S what matters, not us being "right".


Did my h "deserve" it? Probably not. There's surely an argument that he didn't.

But was that the goal? Meting out justice as I saw fit??? Or was improving our relationship the goal?

I decided it was the latter, and that's the road I took. I believe that 100% of what my DB coach suggested, worked.

I'm serious. I know we can't expect that, and I know that everyone will NOT have that same experience.

But she sure guessed my h's behavior better than I did. She was a Godsend.

She never once suggested exposure, shaming, guilting, or confronting h.

Just active listening, vigorous applause for the positives, and pretty much consistently loving him, while keeping my self respect. It rarely conflicted.

Food for thought.