1 step forward, 1000 steps back - part 3

[makingmagic]

mdu... yep.... its like we *think* we need to wallow in misery, to prove that we *love/d*

Lets be happy!

[mdu]

You know what I'm realizing? I have a butt load of these sort of thoughts in my head that keep me from detaching and backing
away from H. Such as:

'I know he is going to regret it if he pursues D. I have to make sure he knows he is making a mistake. Essentially --- I have to SAVE him.'

'If I let him go too far or too long, he won't come back'

'I have to keep reminding him of me/us'

'I have to keep reminding him of our family'

I'm sure there's more...I'll post as I think of them. All so counterproductive!

[Tarheel]

'I know he is going to regret it if he pursues D. I have to make sure he knows he is making a mistake. Essentially --- I have to SAVE him.'

'If I let him go too far or too long, he won't come back'

'I have to keep reminding him of me/us'

'I have to keep reminding him of our family'

It's 'nice' to see that I'm not the only one that feels that way. Because of my W's family life, I've always felt like the 'saver' in our R. I find myself often thinking 'if I could only stop her from making this big mistake...'

To be honest MDU, I'm actually envious of your current situation. You at least have been given a 'chance' of trying to reconcile, no matter how difficult it may seem to you right now. That's all some of us on here are looking for- a chance. Keep your eyes on the present and try to not look too far ahead. I'm rooting for you!

[Train]

mdu,

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

You're identifying FEAR.

No need for that.

Identify it. And get rid of it!

Fear will hold you back. And it will actually *stand in your way*, even though our controlling-selves try to convince us otherwise.

You can't control him. And TRYING to only smothers him.

He was drawn back to the mdu who let go of control and took charge of *her own* life.

THIS kind of thinking on your part, mdu, is the GOOD, healthy kind of thinking. You're cleaning up your side of the street.

So carry on ...

[Ggrass]

Oh yes, the wallowing thing. Don't I so have a degree in that!

Now days its full war paint (make up hair etc) and several mantras.

" tits up out and upwards, walk on with dignity"

"Make sure all they see is your a$$ walking away from them fast! "

But I'm sad to say my h still appears to be rearranging his deck chairs on the titanic while watering his flowers! stuff.

[Ss06]

You know what I'm realizing? I have a butt load of these sort of thoughts in my head that keep me from detaching and backing
away from H. Such as:

'I know he is going to regret it if he pursues D. I have to make sure he knows he is making a mistake. Essentially --- I have to SAVE him.'

'If I let him go too far or too long, he won't come back'

'I have to keep reminding him of me/us'

'I have to keep reminding him of our family'

I'm sure there's more...I'll post as I think of them. All so counterproductive!

I am in the same boat. I have the same thoughts in my head. Especially letting him go too far or he won't come back. Man, you nailed that one. It is SO HARD to detach. Thanks for bringing this to my attention. Gotta let go of the fear. Might be easier now that I can recognize that's what it is. Wow.

[mdu]

Speaking of fear....I'm definitely afraid of losing H, very afraid. And no doubt, he knows it. I really need to get past that. I just really, really do not want to be alone. I really haven't been alone for any significant portion of my adult life. While I don't at all mind spending time by myself (and rather enjoy it), I hate the thought of not having that someone who is always there, to share the joys and the challenges with, to lean on, to help you with stuff, to share the burdens of every day life. I literally dread the thought of a life alone. I know it keeps me from letting H go, from really standing up to him firmly. But I don't know what to do about it. I'm stuck.

[Train]

Now THAT is what I think Wonka might call "stinkin' thinkin'."

We don't have room for that.

You WILL NOT be alone in this life. Never. Period.

Do not fear that.

[Barrybran]

I echo Train's thoughts about the stinkin' thinkin'. Think positively and look after yourself.

[mdu]

Thanks everyone. I do get that it's stinkin thinkin. Unfortunately I seem to be in a horrible place that I'm struggling to get out of. I'm really glad I went to the doc and got an anti-depressant, although not sure how I'm going to survive the weeks until it kicks in.

I know I was able to reattract H previously but somehow this time feels very different. I just feel completely hopeless with OW at his workplace now. It just seems an impossible situation to me. H would have to really, REALLY want back in the M for us to have even a remote chance and the fact is he's been waffling since day 1. And I just keep thinking of all the lies H has told, I'm sure there's a butt load more. I feel like there's a culture of deceit in our M that would now be near impossible to overcome.

Anyway, just being honest with where I'm at. I do realize it's not helpful. Struggling to pull myself out of it. Fortunately my brother and his family are coming to visit this weekend so I won't be sitting home alone and depressed.