Wife wants marriage with OM, is there any hope?

[25yearsmlc]

I'm thinking you may never understand our posts to you. The fact that you respond so quickly and defensively without really understanding what we are posting to you shows that.

None of that stuff you mentioned above matters to her.

The BIGGEST thing you need to change is your attitude. Your self-centered thinking that the only thing that matters is what YOU think and not your W.

YOU want to sweep things under the rug (even though your W still hurts) because YOU don't want to deal with it. YOU think she deserves to go to hell (yes you do because it comes out in your posts), even though YOU had plenty of A's. YOU don't want her to find a man to be happy with because YOU think you're a great catch.

YOU don't want to change your attitude and try to see things from her POV because evidently you're incapable of it. So it depends if you are willing to try to do that. If not, then give your W a D and let her be happy.

this^^^^ resonates with me for you.

And since I have a minute now, I will post the letter from the WAW AGAIN

and I hope you really take in what she is telling another man. B/C that other man is in your shoes; he's a h who wants his wife to leave the OM and return to h.

But her h has worked on himself and he's sincerely confused why his wife won't return "now that he is all better".

YOU have not earned that position in my opinion. But you might someday...

and you will HAVE to understand your wife's point of view then, and the sooner you do, the better.

here, again, is the letter I believe your wife could have written IF you had changed for the better. So for her right now, I doubt she's as motivated as the woman who actually did write it.

But if you are lucky AND work hard and dig deep and bravely and really OWN/REPAIR your flaws,

then maybe your wife WILL write a letter like this and maybe you will have hope.

(NOTE the term "win" is b/c there is a part of me that wonders why it took OM for you to make the changes...makes me wonder if this is about losing your wife to OM or just losing your wife."

If it's b/c there is OM, then don't bother her, Just let her go.

If it's b/c you want her in your life that is a different, better reason.

BTW< when you told your w you missed her, try to mention what you miss about her OTHER THAN SEX b/c

saying you miss her touch/sex, sounds way more like your needs, and not her attributes. Do you get my point?

Okay really reflect on this letter below and think about it, okay?

FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO HAS CHANGED, & WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT RETURNED TO HIM YET, & HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM….

"When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M. I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than. ---Of course, my H went a step further and cheated, adding an extra crunchy layer of goodness to my sitch.

One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H.

Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes. So, I can see where your W is coming from.

When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your S - and those uncertainties/confusion/pains that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.

Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time.

And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought.

Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope.

You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants -- and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.

And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to "win".

Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to win.

Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her and you actually just want to WIN, you'll put her through hell."
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