Starsky says it worked for him (& I believe him) but there are 2 things you must remember:
1) he also worked on himself, big time, AND his wife had seen that and
2) he's not typical.
Starsky can speak for himself.
I have THOUSANDS of posts from my own sitch, which I link here from time to time and also provide any time anyone asks for them. I have ALWAYS advocated doing BOTH the "strong stand" thing AND the "clean up your own side of the street" thing, and my posting history and philosophy is extremely consistent in that regard. I have a limited amount of time during a very busy life to still post here, and I do so by trying to provide whatever voice I think might be missing from someone's thread, and also what I think fits their particular situation.
Since Sho's very first post (and many subsequent ones) talked at great length about all of his own positive changes and things he'd been doing to "clean up his side of the street," and since the affair discovery was recent and since HE HIMSELF said it has caused him to change HIS goals, and HIS boundaries, that's what I have focused on.
Secondly, the "unique" thing just makes me laugh 25, it really does. Because however you feel about exposure (and reasonable people can and do disagree on it), it's HARDLY some sort of crazy "outlier" in the infidelity research and counseling field. I'd say that most (certainly at least half) of the leading people in the field (Harley, Spring, McGraw, Tupy, others) advocate it, and it's not an exaggeration to say that literally THOUSANDS (probably tens of thousands?) of marriages have been saved by programs that include exposure.
I don't advocate it here out of respect for MWD, with whom I respectfully disagree, but it's her site and I am here (as we all are) as her guest. When asked, I give an honest answer of what worked for me, and will continue to do so, but I usually include a "this is not DB teaching" just to be clear, as you know.
But to make my successfully reconciled marriage some sort of "lucky" outlier is just laughable, and -- frankly -- insulting. I could name a dozen more more folks just from this forum alone who have advocated it and used it successfully.
I honestly don't know why you have such a touchy spot on the whole "shaming" thing (and absolutely NOTHING in Sho's posts thus far presented any sort of attitude that even smacked one iota of vindictiveness or anything of the sort???), but it's obviously setting you off.
That's your issue, not mine.
And with that, I'll stop hijacking Sho's thread. I'll post a link to my sitch again, Sho, and you can ask me anything you want there or here, as it's your thread.
