Currently in San Diego and going on week 4. I've decided to extend my trip another two weeks. No, my H did not take the news well. The space I've created between us has been the best decision I've made thus far. I had no idea what to expect being this far away. Well...actually, I expected the worst. I'm glad I left though because I truly needed some space to think things through. Not being around him helped with the pulling back.
I was struggling with defining which behaviors lead to my cheeseless tunnels and which behaviors needed a 180. It turns out that being away has helped me "go dark" so to speak. This was completely unplanned and a happy accident at the same time. By being away, I learned to focus on my feelings and really feel through them. Each day I would reflect on the things he told me that was wrong in the M. It required an immense amount of humility and prayer to step outside myself and into his shoes but I did it. I discovered there were and still are many things that I need to change about myself. I'm focusing on these changes and little by little I'm gaining back my confidence and I'm not so reliant on my H reactions.
GAL has been a catalyst for going dark. If I didn't get out and do something then my mind would fixate on the pain. Of course being in a beautiful city with almost always perfect weather made the transition easier. At first, it sucked doing things without him but I pushed myself anyway. Slowly, my mind would shift from him to what I was doing and I was okay again. The more I did this, the easier it became to do more of it. Before I knew it, I was having a life. A real one. One without my H. It took the focus off my failing M and my H undesirable/unpleasant demeanor and onto taking care of myself.
We still have a joint account. So he gets to see all of my expenses while I'm here. I've gotten a couple of phone calls reprimanding me about my expenses. Mind you, this is the money he left for me as part of easing his own guilty conscience for taking 75% of what was in our joint and his direct deposit onto his newly opened account. No matter how unfair it felt to me at that time I did not lose my cool but reassured him until he calmed down. Then, I pulled back some more.
The more I pulled back the more he initiated contact. Even when it's just to yell at me about something as small as not answering my phone right away. Finally, the man who has been so cold and distant was starting to show some softness. Yeah, his yelling was not the response I would have liked but it did reveal a lot more about his current state of mind than maybe he wanted to. He let his guard down, gave in to his emotion and I got to witness it. It felt good to feel a little bit in control of things again without having to exert any pressure on him. I gave him enough rope to hang himself. How about that?
He became curious and friendly but unsettled. He began to probe...asking what was going on and why he feels like there's something I'm withholding from him. His insecurity was very transparent. Finally, I said in a calm tone that I was needing more time away to see if I can find a job here and a place to live. This confirmed his suspicion and his tone got softer and solemn as if I had just given him the worst news of his life.
I'm not sure if by doing that I had verbally dropped the rope. We continued to talk and it lasted a good 35 minutes. We finally discussed how to broach the topic with the children once they return from summer vacation. I told him that I would be there as a support for my kids. He got upset and voiced that he did not arrive at this place on his own. I wanted to argue back but didn't. He was telling the truth about that part but he still refuses to see that I was explicit about salvaging the M. And yes, it took him calling my divorce bluff for me to see that things needed changing.
We're still on differing opinions about how we got to where we are in the M and he still refuses to accept that I want to stay and work on our M. A couple of questions...
1.) I know not to bring up R talks unless he initiates but when he does it's not productive. He's still doing the finger-pointing and not really accepting his part in the problem. How do I handle this? I was thinking of saying "I will be glad to discuss this with you in a neutral environment where we can both feel safe and open to share our thoughts and feelings. But, it will not happen outside of the counseling office."
2.) When he starts to ask questions about what my plans are (moving on, S, and D) how much info is good enough and how much is too much? Is honesty the best policy while being dark?
3.) Can/should I maintain a cool interest while in the dark period?
