WAW having an A but she denies it #2

[25yearsmlc]

I understand why you did what you did.

Do you understand why MWD and Div Busting advises AGAINST it? And do you see that confronting your SPOUSE about an affair is a lot different than involving 3rd parties?

I strongly oppose exposing to 3rd parties. Almsot 100% of the time I oppose it b/c I think it's almost 100% of the time that it comes from a place of wounded pride/ego and a desire to punish,

and not a place of love or self respect, (though that is what we tell ourselves.)

IN fact, We justify a lot of "teaching them a lesson/showing them the consequences" of their choices and we rationalize it quite well.

But per my DB coach, "it's NOT OUR JOB to teach our spouses a lesson or show them consequences of their actions.

LIFE does that for them."

Besides, it's too tempting to use those rationalizations to vindictively seek revenge, all under the guise of being "noble & Honest"....

I could see if there were legal ramifications, then and only then would I tell the necessary parties. But telling an 8 y/o? Sorry but that sickens me but hey, he's your son, not mine.

So, How'd it work out for you?

The times I have seen it, it backfires. Here's one TRUE example of how that works.

My HS class has a fb page which makes reunions a lot easier to plan.

A LBW posted on our class page not to "let OW steal your h like she stole mine last year".

Both OW and H were classmates. Other people in our class messaged me to delete Ow's post (b/c I administer the class page)

and they ALL said things along the lines of how "inappropriate" and 'weird" and "angry/bitter" the wife sounded.

Right or wrong, not one person expressed sympathy for the wife OR anger at the h or OW. Not one.

Have you read why Div Busting goes against this?

Are you really familiar with her reasons?

My main point here isn't just how bad it makes the wronged spouse look to the general public, but I think that can matter.

I think it's a bad idea b/c it does NOT help the situation at all.

The truth would have been revealed in time anyhow, and if it were simply a fling, now telling others just cements it into something more, so it's going to be stronger not weaker. It often pushes the spouse into the arms of OP MORE, not less.
The more people who know, the harder it is to come back from.
Is the goal to keep the road home, paved and smooth (per my DB coach) or to punish them?

I'm NOT saying they don't have to earn our trust back, but I am saying that shaming them is no way to get them home.

The momentary pleasure you might feel will pale, over time, when the world/your kids see you as the messenger of evil news, and possibly the cause of it ("See? She's such a bitter woman of course I had an affair!"---and yes I have seen that said and believed, too often to count).

Your kids are not blind or stupid. Why be the bearer of news that ruins the hero they have in their dad? B/C you don't want him to be admired by them? That hurts THEM as much or more than it hurts him...and

it greatly lessens the chance he'll come home; it does NOT increase it.

Shaming them fails.

If it worked, MWD would advise in favor of it.


Starsky says it worked for him (& I believe him) but there are 2 things you must remember:

1) he also worked on himself, big time, AND his wife had seen that and

2) he's not typical.

I think there will be a time that you regret it and even if there isn't, there will be a time that you see the pain inflicted on your kids and you'll know it could have been less if you'd handled it all differently.

No, I am not defending your h and if he lied about you to justify his A, then I would have warned him to stop doing that or you'd be forced to defend yourself.

But the way you are making it sound IS as if you did derive pleasure from it.

I could be wrong of course, and I'm Sorry, but that's how it reads to me.