I would urge you to review the chapters on snooping and why it's advised against.' [/b] I'll give you a hint however. If someone KNOWS for 100% certainty that a PA would be a deal breaker, then it may be a good idea to verify it before filing for divorce.
But when you are working thru an affair, and trying to salvage a marriage, when it's not a deal breaker, you don't bother accumulating "evidence" with which to convict/confront or humiliate your spouse.
He's trying to set boundaries AND keep the road home, "paved & smooth", not to make more hurdles for her. She'll have enough as it is. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Do you understand why we say this?
If not, check those chapters out.[/color]
Thank you 25. I have read the chapters. I wasn't really saying he should snoop regardless but what if it is a deal breaker? Does DB accept that at some point a long affair becomes a deal breaker for some people? Also, I don't understand the part I underlined. Is Ox really doing this? I read all his other threads and he seemed to change his mind about what he's doing. He said if she did various things he would end the marriage but she did them anyway and he is still there. If he is setting boundaries what are they? His wife seems to do as she pleases.
My ex husband had an affair. I found out about a night he spent in a hotel with a work colleague. I always thought there was more to it than one night but he always denied that. That was when our adopted daughter was 3. I felt that after all we went through with infertility and then the blessing of adoption this was a terrible insult. I didn't plan right then and there to leave him but I ended up leaving when our daughter went to college. I think all along I never understood how he could do that to me and I never got over it. If I knew about sites like this I probably would have done things differently.
Anyway, where I think I was similar to Ox's wife is that when she was older I realised that I wanted to leave when she was grown. For the last four years or so until she was 18 I planned to leave and finally did it. I never had an affair but in that four years I considered my marriage to be over and felt my husband had no rights over me any more. I didn't date or go out with any men, but I became very independent, gym, trips with girlfriends and so forth. I basically acted as if my husband was not there. I think Ox's wife sounds a lot like me at that time. I regret this now since I've seen how this hurts. I realise now I was trying to hurt him. I asked Ox what he thought his wife's intentions were and I don't think I got a proper answer. If I did I didn't see it.
