T, She has to grow up and learn to be out on her own, i.e., not depend on others to smooth the way for her. She didn't do this when she was a teenager/early 20's, so she's gone back to that time and now needs to understand what it is all about and discover what she thinks she missed.
In your case, I think, she needed to go the entire path to a divorce in order to figure things out. No amount of counseling will take care of this right now...but down the road, she may very well decide to see a counselor to figure the rest of the whys, ifs, ands or buts out.
Right now, she's still fragile to see/face what she's done. She needs to get stronger and healthier in order to face the damage...but the question will be...is she a fighter and wants to get better or is she the type of person who will walk away at the end of the day and leave the destruction in the past and not deal w/it? That's the million dollar question and one that none of us can predict right now. This may be years down the road or she could hit bottom after the divorce and realize what she's done...time will tell on that.
Continue to be the person you are and I know you are there for your sons. They have a great role model and mentor.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
