So far, the D negotiations are going okay, especially when the financial reality of the past 5 years or so was brought into her awareness. My L said I am being very "noble", especially since I didn't want this, and the infidelity, taking the bulk of the debt in trade for any house equity.
She has been getting advice from co-workers and friends who are from out-of-state, or who have no assets, etc. So I encouraged her to do some research and get some facts. She appreciates that I am taking her earning power now into account, that I HAVE pulled out a calculator and crunched the numbers, she hasn't. I encouraged her to do so for herself, to see things without my income in reality, and not just take what I say.
We are focusing on the kids needs first, at the end of the day, so far...I know that can change as it gets closer, but here is to hoping her clarity remains present.
We also did some post-mortem on the M, a little. I wanted to share a couple things from that that may be very helpful to people, especially the newbies. The things we are advised here are right on target... listen to job, Mach, AJ, UR, etc. They are right!
These things are right from her...
First:
The cheating was an escape from the depression, the internal loneliness, low self-esteem, and her fear of loneliness. She never learned to be alone, and gets addicted to things (eating, PA's, online affairs, the internet, etc), even when she was 18 and her roommate wasn't home much, she really got into the bulimia.
Second:
She sees now, that the past 5-6 years aren't about me, never was. Though she thought it was, she realizes it is and was about HER, all along.
So, take heart, and the advice, offered here folks...it's valid, and was just validated by a mlc'er herself.
She still doesn't remember a lot of her behaviors, words, spew. She gets mortified when I bring up some things as they relate to the D, or when she tries to make sense of what happened. I don't push them on her. When she said "I am angry that I can't remember so much", I replied, "Chances are, you will in time".
So the journey continues, with CHD, compassion. I am making sure I sleep well at night and my kids see a great role-model.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
