FINALLY SURFACING

[Fartiltre]

I am on vacation and it is nice, but I have a hard time keeping W out of my head and I miss talking to my children. I sleep very poorly these days – maybe due to the fact that temperature is very high, exercise is very low and I have had some beers. Not many but it is the first ones in a month or so. Friend and I actually spend 7-8 hours yesterday afternoon just talking while visiting different bars and café – I cant even recall last time I did that. I was a great day.

The friend I am here with do not have any connection to W and we have had a good long talk about me, my life, the feeling of being in between places, work life and so on. I still haven’t talked about DBing to anybody. He (and others before him) tries to put me in the direction of dating and we have had a long and good talk about this. When I told him that I miss spooning and holding hands more than I miss ML he didn’t understand how that is possible. And I can understand why …still it is the truth. When couples pass me on the street holding hands, kissing, laughing and so I am glad for them but some part of me also envy them. I want what they have and I want it with W.
It is not a desperate feeling or urge – it is something that just lies there in my head and it won’t go away. Besides the envy it is a nice feeling.

We have also talked a lot about my career and the conclusion right now is that I might need to change my career path. The more I have looked into this over the past months – the more I believe that this is also something that needs to be looked into. I am a partner in 4 small/medium businesses and one of them needs to go. Problem is that this one is providing my main income and I fear that income will drop. If I were by myself that would be no problem but I have a responsibility towards my children. It is my plan to have a talk with my two partners about this next week.

Due to Sandi’s last post to me, talks with my friend and a billion thoughts I am more sure than ever – I stand for my M! At the same time I also stand for me and my children – for the life we will share in the years to come with or without W. I want it to be fantastic!


Sandi,
Thanks for your long post. I have read it several times a day since you posted it and I have given your words a lot of thoughts. I hope this answer and the above makes sense and I hope you can read between the lines that this is not the old headspinning and skullcracking me. I feel really calm and at peace all though W and my life in general is very much in my thoughts. I am not happy happy happy as we have discussed earlier on but I am at a totally different place than half a year ago.

I still want R more than anything! I have NO doubts about that!
I still stand and I am not about to give up. I can’t and won’t do it.
You are right about me having to let go at some point but for now I still stand.

W seems gone – like she has all the way. When all of this started I interpreted every kind thing she did (wearing my jewels, hugging, taking my hand on a walk) as positives towards her being in doubts about her decision. I learned that was not the case. Then I trained myself (with a lot of help from you and others) not to mind or focus on these. I went LRT, changed my state of mind and stopped paying attention to Ws doings and sayings. She still does it all but I have learned not to see them as postives. In fact I skipped the word positives totally and called them non-negatives.
Truth is that I can see a lot of possible positives but I do not allow myself to believe in them. I have been sticking with the fact that she has not expressed any (to me) clear sign of wanting to R. I am “stuck” in the rules and simply applying patience and time.
I fear believing in possible R. I hope and pray for it, but I have left the initiative with W. My mind is set on that she need to initiate something and that needs to change. I need to look at W as I would look at any other women I would like to have in my life but I need to be careful

W seems to be happy. That is what she shows me and tells me but I also believe there is much more to it. Her picture of how this was supposed to be has been torn apart. She wanted weekly family dinners, mutual Christmas, us to be friends, us to live as neighbors so the kids could run from one to the other and so much more - and none of this has happened. She got very angry at first but I actually think she sees the reasonable in this today. So…
Yes, I believe that she knows that we can’t be friends and that I won’t bend easily
No, I don’t need to prove anything further
Yes, I believe she has leaned that things won’t be the way she wanted them to

At the same time I believe that she still wants family-time very badly….more than anything. Some part of me still sees/feels a lot of this as her “acting as if” everything is just fine. I have felt this way for a long time but again haven’t allowed myself to dwell on it due to it being mindreading. She shows me only happiness except from the episodes where Ds are hurting – and I do the same towards her. Truth is that I have other feelings than happiness and she might have as well. I can only mindread or analyse and I think you are pretty close to my observations and thoughts. I get no clues from friends or relatives and neither does she. She could be in the same state of mind as I am or the totally opposite.
It feels like there is a lot of unsaid words just below the surface of our interactions and that we both hold back. We have scratched them at one or two calls but it is like none of us wants to take the next step and really talk. This has happened before back when we lived together – she was sometimes afraid to take up an issue with me so she could sometimes go for a long time before she actually did it. (I have looked into this. I understand why she felt that way!) In some strange way it feels like the time just before BD. Something is not the way it is supposed to be between us. The major difference is that I actually believe I am on the right path. I certainly wasn’t at that time!

When W is in my thoughts I go from positive to negative. I can wake up in the morning and think R is possible and then go to be in the evening and think it is not.

I am not saying she wants to R but I do feel that she wants to talk. Some part of me believes that is the reason for her to ask for the evaluation-talk.
I brought up the talk last week and hopes we will be able to find a suitable time within the next month. I am on vacation this week and next week she is.
I will ask to her wellbeing (very careful and only once) when I get the chance.



I believe that you are right about me. “It is never the right time” unfortunately describes me very well. I have given this a lot of thoughts and it seems like I rarely dwell on the past – it seems like I live in the future. I can understand if this comes out a little odd here with me being so sad about the past but case is that I have had my focus on the future all the way. Focus on me getting better tomorrow; focus on possible R tomorrow and so on! I am getting better at living in the present but I have a long way to go!
I do feel ready for R. I will keep on working on me, but I am ready for W if she wants me! I believe I have a chance, but I don’t know how to grasp it yet!
I understand the twisting of the 37 you mention and have mentioned before – unfortunately it seems to take time for me to adjust my habits of how I interact with W. (I wish 37 there were 37 new rules to apply now – strict rules that my male lizard brain can comprehend)
We are certainly getting better along now than some months ago and I think it is time for me to increase kindness, length of talks and so on a little further and then just observe – just as you said. It is a long time since I got the last harsh words or eyerolling from her all though she seemed a little disappointed Sunday because I had plans. (Just the feeling I got)
Again I can read this both ways. It could be a tiny crack in the wall or it could simply be her settling in – IDK!

The issue about the ring you mention has been in my mind for a long time – IF I ever get the chance I will do it right On the knee, fireworks…it all ….but not tomorrow


In regards of the feeling left out or me being jealous I get your point. I arranged the meet up at the public pool because I believed it was a good way for the Ds to change place. It was – they had a great time. Still I got this feeling – I don’t want it. I felt hurt! I believe this to be totally natural but instead of running away from it as I did (in my post) I might just have to face it.

It is difficult for me to really know how to advise you at this point, simply b/c you are undecided about the stitch.

Please look at me as being decided! I am! I stand! I still want to R!


At last thank you for your kind words about me having done a good job – means a lot!

Time is 8AM here….now I will go for a run