Slowly switching gears

[Anders]

Journal:
There are pros and cons to the long distance and limited contact with my feelings and perspectives about Mrs. Anders shifting, wondering where W and I's R is. Trying to focus on my own growth and healing but there are those moments.

A question that has me reflecting on who I am in love with. I have focused on Mrs. Anders’ negatives a lot. There is of course more to her than that.

The first thing that struck me about her is her very gregarious personality and high energy. Not one to be shy about striking up conversations with strangers leaving a lasting and positive impression. She is incredibly sexy and I often told her this but she would always downplay this. Very easy on the eyes with a great smile and laugh.

We met while both interns at the same firm, casual chit chats leading to flirty emails to eventually our first date. Unfortunately, she returned to school soon after across the country marking the first of our many long distance stints since then.

We spent a lot of time talking on the phone which was fantastic in allowing us to get to know each other. The more we talked, the more I found out about her passion for life, her love for her family and the values we shared. We really clicked from the get go. There was a very strong bond between us.
She is very loving, and tender hearted. She loves her family very much but there has always been a tension there. She often told me that she felt like she had to prove herself, especially to her dad though she really looks up to him. He has had a very successful career, with the family well known and respected in the city. She worked hard to prove to others that she could make it on her own without relying on his accomplishments and one of the reasons she doesn't want to make this place home for the long term.

She does have an immense fear of what her parents would think of her decisions. She would often wait until almost the last minute to let her parents know she would be travelling, afraid that they would be critical of her. She felt they wanted her to give up the romantic notion of traveling the world and settle into a career and eventually a family.

She was also disappointed that her father was never home as he traveled a lot and was not really there for her and her brother growing up. Though her dad loves her, I don’t think she has heard him say that he is proud of her.

We both love to travel and this was one of the things we connected on right away alongside dancing. Our mutual interest in travel was great but what drew me more to her was her sense of excitement about life and openness to new cultures and experiences. That she was willing to learn about my home and culture meant a lot to me. The first five years of our relationship was filled with a lot of excitement travelling both for work and for fun, with passion filling all of the rest stops in between.

She is incredibly driven and very independent. With our careers, work and travel begun to take up more of our energy and in hindsight, clear where some of our emotional disconnect begun to happen. The sad irony is that we were seen as having made it professionally and relationship wise amongst friends and family.

It can be very telling who you surround yourself with and without a doubt her and now, our friends are really great people. Our friends have since cross pollinated so this separation and news about W's determination to proceed with divorce has been very unsettling. With the exception of a couple of her close friends, she has largely stayed away from communicating with anyone here.

July has been a much harder month than I anticipated. So many unshared celebrations and milestones on both sides. I am choosing to believe there is a purpose in all of this.