Saving my marriage by focusing on ME!

[Starsky309]

Gee, ya THINK???

[Oxford1]

Gee, ya THINK???

Actually she gave me a big mushy kiss tonight and said, wow you have been amazing I see a really different Ox and I am going to tell the MC how you have been.

[PeterV2]

So this was forgotten In that brief interchange above

Duh. Yeah. Let me repeat it so you can get it through your skull. 2x4 time: Ox, I recommend you stop all mention of OM. Don't think about him. Don't talk about him. If she brings him up, put your hand up and say you don't really care to hear about him. If she continues walk out of the room.

I was told by an outside source that when WW says to me " how are You" or texts it to me ( which she tends to do every few days) that I should reply with;
" My wife has a boyfriend"

No! See above. You're obsessed with the OM. Let it go! Get a life. Really.
And don't try to kiss her. That's pursuing. If she kisses you that's ok. But don't use her advance as an excuse to jump her bones. Maybe a kiss from her is just a kiss. Don't read anything into it. Detach. Distance yourself from her emotions.

My earlier post: print it out. Read it over and over until you internalize it. Stop thinking about OM. Stop pursuing your W. Work on yourself. Work on your need to control. Why do you feel you need to control? Why do you feel a need to make snarky comments to your W about OM?

When she says something to push you buttons, how do you normally react? Describe that reaction. What is the opposite to that reaction? Now choose to do the opposite reaction when she pushes your buttons. That's the 180. You will get a totally different response from W. It will seem awkward and counterintuitive, but keep it up; you'll get more comfortable with the new reactions. And you may see a change in your W. Keep it up for 2 weeks. If things don't improve, then drop that reaction and try something different. (this is straight out of the DB book).

[25yearsmlc]

But when OM leaves he will still be her boyfriend in another country.

Everyone don't lose sight of the fact that OX has made every other post of his about OM and his W.

FINALLY he's making it about BECOMING THE BETTER CHOICE>

one thing at a time...this is progress b/c he's finally NOT trying to control those he cannot control. That's a start.

[Starsky309]

Gee, ya THINK???

Actually she gave me a big mushy kiss tonight and said, wow you have been amazing I see a really different Ox and I am going to tell the MC how you have been.

Did she give you a cookie, too?


I guarantee you, she was thinking "GOD, he's easy."

[25yearsmlc]

I was told by an outside source that when WW says to me " how are You" or texts it to me ( which she tends to do every few days) that I should reply with;

" My wife has a boyfriend"
In a calm relaxed kind of flat affect type of tone.

Opinions?

I have my own but I am curious what the more experienced DBers and even Newcomers think...

I would love to know what former WW's think of that comment.

Thanks
Ox

I don't care what "tone" you use texting (TEXTING tone??) it's a comment designed to shame her ---and it's STILL ALL about OM!

I'd say "i'm fine! I'm busy going to new fascinating places, meeting new interesting people and doing new, exciting things. Gotta go, bye"



Make it about YOUR LIFE and yours alone. IN FACT, I'd make that comment ^^ my voice mail message

[claire7]

I'm confused as to why you are even entertaining the idea of going on dates with your wife or being physical with her when she is still at the very least spending time with OM. Are you comfortable in an open marriage?

It is very strange to me the way you question her about what she is doing with OM while you also pursue her. It seems very self-destructive to me.

Why have you not set a boundary with your W wrt her still seeing OM and also having friendship with you? ?

[Oxford1]

So this was forgotten In that brief interchange above

Duh. Yeah. Let me repeat it so you can get it through your skull. 2x4 time: Ox, I recommend you stop all mention of OM. Don't think about him. Don't talk about him. If she brings him up, put your hand up and say you don't really care to hear about him. If she continues walk out of the room.

I was told by an outside source that when WW says to me " how are You" or texts it to me ( which she tends to do every few days) that I should reply with;
" My wife has a boyfriend"

No! See above. You're obsessed with the OM. Let it go! Get a life. Really.
And don't try to kiss her. That's pursuing. If she kisses you that's ok. But don't use her advance as an excuse to jump her bones. Maybe a kiss from her is just a kiss. Don't read anything into it. Detach. Distance yourself from her emotions.

My earlier post: print it out. Read it over and over until you internalize it. Stop thinking about OM. Stop pursuing your W. Work on yourself. Work on your need to control. Why do you feel you need to control? Why do you feel a need to make snarky comments to your W about OM?

When she says something to push you buttons, how do you normally react? Describe that reaction. What is the opposite to that reaction? Now choose to do the opposite reaction when she pushes your buttons. That's the 180. You will get a totally different response from W. It will seem awkward and counterintuitive, but keep it up; you'll get more comfortable with the new reactions. And you may see a change in your W. Keep it up for 2 weeks. If things don't improve, then drop that reaction and try something different. (this is straight out of the DB book).

I like your suggestion about writing down what has not worked and doing the opposite.

I do react better when I write things.

I still remember when my grade school teacher would make you write 200 times, I will not talk out of turn... And guess what that always worked!

I might try that on myself...

I will not talk about OM.
I will not talk about OM
Etc...

[Oxford1]

Gee, ya THINK???

Actually she gave me a big mushy kiss tonight and said, wow you have been amazing I see a really different Ox and I am going to tell the MC how you have been.

Did she give you a cookie, too?


I guarantee you, she was thinking "GOD, he's easy."

This goes to what the MC has said..
She told me that even if my WW walks into my office naked I am to NOT go to bed with her, not until OM is out of her head and she is almost 100% emotionally tied to me...

[Oxford1]

But when OM leaves he will still be her boyfriend in another country.

Everyone don't lose sight of the fact that OX has made every other post of his about OM and his W.

FINALLY he's making it about BECOMING THE BETTER CHOICE>

one thing at a time...this is progress b/c he's finally NOT trying to control those he cannot control. That's a start.

Thanks ! It's nice when you get acknowledgement of some progress