Dealing with WAW Part 3

[25yearsmlc]

Pilot,

This is a bit wordy but I'm tired and that also means I'm tired of editing.

it isn't a 2 x 4 so much as an attempt to empathize with your wife. To see if we can imagine a few things she MAY have felt along the way.

I hope it won't seem as if I'm belaboring the point. Plus some of these are smaller issues than others so don't assume I am giving them equal weight.

So first off, I don't fully buy your view about the LBSer NOT being a tad hypocritical to become a WAS, but I take your point.

I'm simply arguing two different things.

When an LBSer "becomes" a WAS, it CAN be simply b/c their eyes are open to how their marriage really was or what it had really become/dissolved into.

So it's fair to assume that sometimes what really happened is the -

LBSer is saying "Wow, I didn't know this before, but now I do. I see that our marriage sukked. WAS did me a favor by leaving....so I don't care if the WAS wants back in now. I've seen the light."

This^^^ can happen. But not in your case. You insist you had a great marriage at one time and I believe you. What your wife thinks may be different, but I believe you when you say it was a very good marriage at some point.

But I don't think it's the same thing at all, to have been the LBSer and have repeatedly implored the WAS to "Work on the m!! Love is a choice!",

and THEN

reverse the situation & position of the parties, only to pretend those same demands not be made to you. I think that's an unfair double standard.

Also, revenge is often a piece of this equation even when we are not aware of it.

The LBSer is hurt and wounded, and feels deeply rejected. In time, like when the WAS sees that they made a mistake, a part of the reason some LBSers are hesitant to reconcile is b/c they want to make the WAS sweat!

Not just b/c they want to be sure of their goal --- but b/c they want the former WAS to "get a taste of their own medicine". That, I object to.

So please be mindful of that^^, b/c I think it's at least a part of this equation for you. Plus you were quick on the draw to get the old black book out, and to show her that you could get a date in a heartbeat and would...so retaliation has peaked its' head in your situation. At least in my opinion.

OMG I just remembered that you're the guy who already brought an old flame to a kids' birthday party, right? That was you, correct? She is NOT going to think you are pursuing her b/c of compliments. We already covered how Unlikely it is that she'll think this b/c you have a history of moving on fast, and you shoved the divorce papers in her face, filled them out, demanded the confessions ETC.

Pilot stop kidding yourself. You want to do nothing but wait and see AND get a full confession about things you can verify, and that's a lot to demand and it's not very realistic. I think you are setting yourselves up for failure but somehow you want her to take the blame.

Also what is with this "I take 50% responsibility for my share of the problems"???

It's RARE that each party owns the same amount. Sure it takes 2 to make a marriage work but it CAN take just one to spoil it. It's rare when it's just one person but it's not impossible. TIl you mentioned the man you think she was with, the whole situation in your marriage sounded as if the problems were 90-95% on your end, wouldn't you say?

I mean, you were the one with all the demands and she met them for so long...and you were the one not speaking in her love language but expecting her to somehow still feel satisfied...

Pilot, your changes during the campaign and the injury/recovery period ( i mean the changes that were not desirable), were things she put up with, and waited out, right?)
You don't seem able to do the same for her, so why is that?

Since You lump the campaigns and dog attack into one time frame, I'll assume they ran consecutively. So that means SHE put up with a lot for a LONG TIME...(longer than you have been at THIS martial challenge, right?)

Where is the woman you fell in love with?

I think She's still in there, under the pain and anger and deeply wounded pride. Some incidents you don't recall but If I were a gambling woman, I'd bet there were some intense feelings of rejection or melancholy in her, while you recovered from the dog attack. Now she has shame, too.

You don't recall how you behaved while you were medicated and or in pain --or you have really convenient amnesia---, (which I relate to! I had a major surgery last Thanksgiving. (8 months ago now, & I only just NOW feel like myself again).

But The holiday season is a BLUR to me. I have very little recall. A few months of my life are just "gone", you know?

So I wonder Pilot...I wonder if maybe she saw it this way:

She was a single parent then,for all intents and purposes. Her love tank was not filled b/c you don't "do" her LL. This single parenting took place for so long it was hard to imagine what life would be like when you returned to her, IF you did, b/c she now had a routine...

but after a long public, non paying arduous political campaign, during which she was a real trooper, but for which she was not "rewarded" in public or private and financially it was devastating and a bit of a surprise to her (given what her dad told you she had said)

and the whole lifestyle was always centered around YOU.

Either you the would be congressman or you were the injured patient or you were the breadwinner who needed to be steeled for rougher times ahead, but you cannot be leaned on for support b/c that's not how you roll...

Her fears were not allayed by you.

As you now realize, your jokes about money and the "me too" lines when she had to ask you for money, were in your eyes, defensible and fully explainable. I can see that you are a bit embarrassed about it. I get that.

Just so you know, those types of comments would have punched me in the stomach then. I think she needed reassuring at a deep level and not just about money.

If I were a stay at home mom, which is risky for women these days (B/C If there is a divorce we have removed ourselves from the workforce, and lessened our ability to support ourselves or our children)
and

If I needed reassurance from you, the breadwinner of the family, the man who was going to be wealthy b/c he knows money/real estate, the man with the plane,

if I needed just to hear that we were going to be alright,

and then instead I got the brush off, well...OUCH.

Pilot, I think she was pretty neglected for quite some time.

weren't OWs a bit of an issue for you early on in the marriage or right before, when there were texts? I mean weren't there some incidents that made your w feel really insecure?

But if there is ANY validity to that, and if you also neglected her-- after she had endured a long period of pouring support your way, and you seemed to pull away from her when you were sick or felt "out of it", or didn't want to share the financial stressors with her,
(out of pride or the desire to protect her from the truth -which does not protect her in the long run)...

you shut her out. I bet she was very lonely and insecure.

It makes a woman feel close to you when you are treating her like a partner, sharing burdens you feel, but you were not sharing them.
You were deceiving her to protect her image of you, (who doesn't like being admired?) Can you see where pride played a role in this?

That may be easy to rationalize now, but then still, it was just dishonest. And it was disparaging to her really. It means in your eyes, she was too much of a child to expect her to cope. That's a bit condescending, don't you think?

So I'd add to your list things like "should have opened my heart and the balance sheet to her more, so she could be my partner and on 'our team' and not fear that things were being hidden from her, or that I was pulling away from her, let alone with my trusty black book always near by...should have let myself be vulnerable, and flawed"...

Pilot, my gut says you are a handsome man whom she saw as a good catch. But then you made some choices that tripped you up. Rather than owning up to them and seeking support from her, you chose to "nobly" shut her out and thereby cause her to feel less secure inside the marriage, more neglected,

And you got injured and were "unavailable" at best, rude and demanding at worst. This took place over a period of several months to a few years, and she began to feel neglected AND insecure inside the marriage.

Knowing your dating history as she does,

would it be that much of a leap for her to think/fear you were going to cheat on her or leave her?

Just asking. This is plenty to chew on. Sorry for its length.