Wife walked aways (two months ago now) new thread

[BigMac]

I haven't agreed to anything. I don't trust myself to make decisions like that right now. I just want to be kind, caring and compassionate but protect my own interests.

[BigMac]

Good morning Everyone,

Last night was a success. I survived being a the same industry party as the W. I was there first, talking working the room and talking to people. I did a good job of focusing on my conversations, and putting me as a priority.

She came up an tapped me on the shoulder, saying she was going to a specific bar. (she did grab some friends that I had plans to go out with.... a bit of mind games I guess) I was cordial, smiled and said ok and then went back to my conversation.

Positive interactions - Check
Didn't take the bait to pursue - Check
Confident, popular, desirable - Check
Smiling, and actually happy - Check
Not talking about separation in depth to friends - Check

Going now to re-read sandi's 27 rules. I broke a few of them over the past couple days .. but I am doing better then I thought I would.

[BigMac]

Sandi2,

I just re-read your post. This is good advice. Thank you for putting it out there.

I am reading signals, but it is sooo soon for anything to happen.

"If you want to live there to be close to the kids, make a life apart from her. There should be a discussion about the A before attempting to live together again. She has a history of keeping things from you, and that would need to be addressed as well."

That is great advice. Me getting to the point of knowing, believing and wanting to take things slow has been huge for my PMA. It is me taking control of my life. I feel great abut it. Hearing people like you say this helps me stay strong.

[unbidden]

Nice work. Onwards and upwards

[BigMac]

Thanks unbidden. Each day is one step closer to something right?

[BigMac]

Had a new awkward moment. Went to go walk into a session. So the W sitting up front (her back was turned, but her hair sticks out).

Just turned and walked out. Avoiding the perception of pursuit and any drama. Because it was unexpected, seeing her in that room. It kind of threw me back on my heals.

[BigMac]

Question,

I was talking through the situation with one of my friends and he pointed out a behavior that the W was showing.

First, when we sat down she found a flaw on my face (a straight hair on my beard and asked if she could pull it). From what I can tell this is what is called a "neg" to break down confidence and pull the power of the conversation towards her.

Later that night, when she came into a party I was at, she grabbed one of my friends and had him "summon me". I promptly ignored that and continued the conversation I was in.

Question to the board. Does anyone else see these behaviors in their WAW / WAS? I am learning more and more every day about body language, and things like a "neg". It is helping me to better understand that games that the W would play with me. I was hoping that someone had more perspective.

[sandi2]

She has done nothing out of the usual behaviors of a WAW, that I can tell. However, one your biggest challenges will be for YOU to not make more of her actions than it is really is.

Many men get into analyzing his WAW and before you know it, he's obsessed with every movement and trying to figure out what it means.

The WAW in an A is very unstable. Their emotions are on a wild ride! As you said, it is much to early, and I think it would be in your best interest to just accept at surface value what you see from her. She's like a school cafeteria menu....."subject to change".

If you are watching which way her toes point when she is sitting with you....I have to wonder if you are watching a bit intently. And if you are....she notices. So back away from that temptation to study every movement b/c it could become a mental wear & tear on you.

This is a long road and you need to take care of yourself mentally/emotionally, as well as physically.

[BigMac]

Sandi2

Thanks for the clarification. I did notice her body language change throughout the meal. Though, the only reason I noticed her foot direction was because I was surprised by the table choice, and how she let me break her physical boundaries. I hadn't been looking for it, just a friend of mine brought it up a couple days before, and I looked down and noticed.

Question
Does the WAW in an A journey parallel the stages of MLC?

Also, my W was bringing up all these 180's she had been making. Getting promoted at work, kicking a bunch of pills the Dr's had her on, not working at night. I know I shouldn't be fishing for signs, but in our past relationship that would be her looking for me to acknowledge her changes.

I was thinking about shooting her an email later today acknowledging the changes and telling her that I know it is hard and I am proud of her. Do you guys think that is a good idea? Or should I just keep on no-contact?

Again, I really appreciate the guidance from everyone here.

[Nettles]

Mac,

You might try Nicole Stover if you are going to be south or Rebecca Hayhurst if north. But there should be no shortage of quality counselors in town.