I wish i could hug you, Zues, because I can relate to so much of what you're saying.
My H's LL is words of affirmation and physical touch. I am terrible with both of these. I used to feel that attempting to love him the way he wanted to be loved should come easily lest it feel and be interpreted as fake or disingenuous. This was my way of not having to work too hard at it, I think. I always said that I wasn't sure how to verbally affirm him without it sounding scripted. Now, after reading DB and DR I realize that I don't need to understand why he needs what he needs, I just need to give him what he needs. Yet here I sit still not sure how to affirm him verbally beyond saying thank you or telling him he did a great job at something or that I'm proud of him for something. And then that makes me wonder if I was actually OK at words of affirmation but his expectations are just too high and no one could actually make him happy in that department. Ugh, but that can't be true, right? What other ways can I verbally affirm him, show him that I care, that I think he's great, awesome in fact, a hero in many ways??? Then the physical touch... oy. I'm not great at affection and because it doesn't come naturally I was again worried about it seeming forced, scripted and disingenuous. Why was I so worried about what it seemed? I think because i didn't want to do it wrong so I didn't do it very often. I'd ask for feedback and he'd say, "that's nice" when I'd stroke his back in the car or hold his hand, rub his arm, scratch his back, rub his neck but that's it. I'd ask him to show me what he wants in the way of affection. You know, like love me the way you want to be loved. Never happened. He'd never reach for my hand, touch me, be affectionate with me. We were never the couple who kissed when we parted or came home to each other, despite both our wishes in that department. I think we were just to go-go-go, task oriented, let's get out the door type people and we both could benefit from slowing down and paying closer attention to each other. I think he wanted to feel cherished and my goodness, who doesn't?! I want to give that to him. I want him to feel cherished, loved, as though he is special to me, appreciated, affirmed and simply liked. I feel like these are inalienable rights one should have in a marriage and I neglected to give him those feelings.
So, to answer your question about what i specifically did wrong, Zeus, I neglected and abused our marriage by not taking special care of it in general, in thousands of ways but mostly by not actively honoring my H's needs for basic care. I'm a type A person to the core. I'm very action oriented (can you guess that my LL is acts of service??), goal oriented and I get things done, tasks done. Emotionally caring for my husband was not something I even put on my list. He wanted to connect with me via physical touch and sex and I wanted him to emotionally connect with me via acts of service and to look me in the eye every once in a while to SEE me. We did the chicken egg thing for too long and now here we are. I was so afraid of being vulnerable, of putting myself out there emotionally because I was partly afraid of rejection, yes, but mostly because I was afraid my efforts wouldn't be recognized and that would hurt too much and take the wind completely out of my sails. I think I felt like I was never going to satisfy him so I wanted credit for trying, for my good intention but he needed me to actually SUCCEED. Duh! I've always said that good intentions pave to road to hell and the effort I put into our marriage was full of good intentions... and now we're in hell. How's that for just desserts, huh?
What am I trying to do to get to the heart of the matter? I am exploring why I feel like my feelings matter over his. Honestly I think a lot of it comes down to how I see my dad. He is very cerebral and I'm not sure ever had an unplanned emotion in his life and I wonder if I see all men like that. I married a very creative, golden hearted man who is the complete opposite of a linear thinker but that doesn't mean he doesn't FEEL or need connection. This is all stuff I knew but never really processed or saw my role in. I always just assumed that people are who they are and will continue to be who they are. I'm realizing now that H needs affirmations that I like who he is. That I appreciate his efforts, his insight, his opinions, HIM.
I read Sex Starved Marriage but I need to re-read it cover to cover because it's so profound I need to take notes and underline like crazy. I never realized that my physical rejection of sex was such a deep and profound emotional rejection to H. How could i not realize that? I've been so obtuse about things like that that I'm ashamed but shame isn't productive. My emotional and sexual neglect of my H has made him turn to porn, lots and lots of porn. He has even contacted escorts though he has said he has never met up with any. I see my role in all of that. Clearly.
What I'm doing:
1. continuing with LRT and GAL, being kind not needy, friendly not flirty, mysterious but not suspicious. 2. I am taking personal inventory on all the ways I've neglected and abused this marriage. I need to make a list in writing because that will lead me to more action and allow me to break each item down into step by step solutions. 3. Breathing. The ache inside me is so heavy and so strong. Refocusing and breathing is helping. 4. STFU- I'm shutting up. I'm not critical at all, I'm not judging at all, I'm not getting in the way of his parenting our daughter (they fight horribly but he can handle it, I trust him). I'm extending that to my face too, no facial "commenting".
Thoughts? Suggestions?
I'm open to suggestions on other things I can be doing. I meet with my DB coach on Friday so we'll talk about this too.
