Still confused

[NewB3]

Dawgy -
What do I want? I want a happy marriage and a happy family.

Well...I can't really have the happy marriage right now, BUT, I can get to a place where I am happy myself, and that's better for my kids.

I can also get to a place where I am pleasant to H, but different from where I was before. The first day I tried this I cheerfully said, "Hi!" when he walked in the door. It was genuine, it wasn't over the top, it didn't ask any more of him...it was simply a salutation. He told me that simply cheerful hello was like a jolt to his system. It felt good. It felt like home. And I can manage "hi" from a place of honesty and friendship. It's easier than some of the other conversations that I hope to have with him sometime farther down the road. (Because I don't think he can have those conversations right now without running away.)

I've tried moving a little farther than that now, just in life. I smile more at people around me. I say hello to people at the store or on the street. I want to put some positive energy out there. You know what happens when you do that? You get positive energy BACK.

So - can't control spouse, but can control myself. I can control putting positive energy out into the world, and I can be pleased with getting positive things back. I can control being more in charge of my emotions so I'm stable for the kids. I can control looking for a job so I can be financially independent if things come to that place. I can control exercising my body and staying fit, I can control eating good things, I can control deciding if I want to volunteer or join a club or do something that makes me feel happy.

While I'm doing those things, I'm making myself back to myself...the person that my spouse initially was attracted to. I'm moving away from the "US" that we'd become, that had gotten broken somewhere along the line. At some point, he and I can look at where we broke and decide if we should fix it. Right now, I just need to get back to the real me. That me is a little different, because now I'm a mom. But I'm there, still. Lots to look at see where I've grown and what else I want to do.

It's a little scary, stepping from the ledge and away from the spouse a little bit. But this step is not so very far.

So, what do I want? I want to be happy. I ultimately want to be happy in a happy marriage again, but it will be a different marriage from before (and should be!). I also want H to be happy, but he's got to figure that out all by himself. .....

Great post.... Making myself back to myself. YES for me, back to "I" not us. This IS the person they fell in love with. This is the person that they would be a fool to leave. Happy, cheerful, acting "as if" . Doing for yourself while being available for your spouse. Not chasing them away, but being in a happy place that they want to be.