I was going to talk about your first post, but maybe this will help enlighten you on your most recent question, too.
I think you need to work on yourself in these situations because you really can't control your spouse. You know how you said you would have the patience of a saint if you could be sure your spouse was going to come around? Well, honestly, you can't be sure of anything except how you handle yourself, right? So - rather than trying to control someone else, look at yourself. Who are you? Who do you want to be? What do you want in this world? What can you control?
In my case, I stopped asking and fretting about 7 weeks ago. It was a strange feeling - because if you feel anything like I felt, you feel like your life is really out of control. This new feeling...well, maybe it's just acceptance that life is out of control. There's an acceptance of this is where I am right now. It's not the place I thought I was headed, but here I am.
What do I want? I want a happy marriage and a happy family.
Well...I can't really have the happy marriage right now, BUT, I can get to a place where I am happy myself, and that's better for my kids.
I can also get to a place where I am pleasant to H, but different from where I was before. The first day I tried this I cheerfully said, "Hi!" when he walked in the door. It was genuine, it wasn't over the top, it didn't ask any more of him...it was simply a salutation. He told me that simply cheerful hello was like a jolt to his system. It felt good. It felt like home. And I can manage "hi" from a place of honesty and friendship. It's easier than some of the other conversations that I hope to have with him sometime farther down the road. (Because I don't think he can have those conversations right now without running away.)
I've tried moving a little farther than that now, just in life. I smile more at people around me. I say hello to people at the store or on the street. I want to put some positive energy out there. You know what happens when you do that? You get positive energy BACK.
So - can't control spouse, but can control myself. I can control putting positive energy out into the world, and I can be pleased with getting positive things back. I can control being more in charge of my emotions so I'm stable for the kids. I can control looking for a job so I can be financially independent if things come to that place. I can control exercising my body and staying fit, I can control eating good things, I can control deciding if I want to volunteer or join a club or do something that makes me feel happy.
While I'm doing those things, I'm making myself back to myself...the person that my spouse initially was attracted to. I'm moving away from the "US" that we'd become, that had gotten broken somewhere along the line. At some point, he and I can look at where we broke and decide if we should fix it. Right now, I just need to get back to the real me. That me is a little different, because now I'm a mom. But I'm there, still. Lots to look at see where I've grown and what else I want to do.
It's a little scary, stepping from the ledge and away from the spouse a little bit. But this step is not so very far.
So, what do I want? I want to be happy. I ultimately want to be happy in a happy marriage again, but it will be a different marriage from before (and should be!). I also want H to be happy, but he's got to figure that out all by himself. It took me about 7 or 8 months to start feeling a little more normal again, and I'm not in MLC. Who knows how long it's going to take him? He's got his own issues to sort through.
Anyway - I feel strongly that I'm committed to my family, and that includes standing for my H. While his affair is awful and egregious and totally the most harmful thing he's ever done to me, I feel strongly that this is about him and not about me. I'm okay, today, for still waiting for him to sort through those issues. I hope he does. And we shall see...but until then, I'll do what I can do to be the best mom and person that I can be.
