1 step forward, 1000 steps back - part 3

[mdu]

Saw H this morning briefly. Had to get something of S’s from him, S was there so we couldn’t really talk or anything but it was good to see him in person. As I’ve mentioned before, H is not very expressive in words but his demeanor is always very telling. His demeanor seemed reasonably warm, he gave several big smiles. I was very upbeat and cheery, sure to show him that I’m not letting the latest OW drama consume me and can manage my emotions. He mentioned that he got some mail from the gas company, apparently saying they would not be auto-delivering anymore. He offered to call them to ask them why (presumably because we don’t need to be refilled frequently enough).

Anyway, I thought it was an interesting exchange. He didn’t seem to be giving off signals that he’s planning some deep involvement with OW now that she’s closer. If he were, I would expect a lot of coldness and certainly wouldn’t expect him to offer to call the gas company. Of course, I have no idea if he has actually seen and/or interacted with OW yet and I have learned that I should always be prepared to expect the unexpected in this sitch. OW was supposedly coming this week but who knows what day. Of course I am very curious if his demeanor towards me suddenly starts changing once he sees her. I wish I knew what was going on, I feel so in the dark! Ugh! I also really, really wish that he and I were spending some time together. I feel confident that we would reconnect if we could just hang out like we had been but while I think some pursuit is good with him asking him to do something would be too much at this point.

Had a good conversation with my DBing coach around setting goals. I determined my goal right now is reconnection with H. She said to look at all my actions/reactions through the lens of that goal. She said that does not mean that I can’t get back to my boundaries but since I keep freaking out on him it would be wise to get back to reconnecting for a time first. Which pretty much lined up with what we all discussed here --- ignore OW, chill and be happy/positive around H. What I most wish is that he would get to a point of feeling safe enough that he could just be honest with me about what’s currently going on with OW. I know that this is a really tough one given my poor reactions to date but if we could get THERE, I think that would be huge and really the ultimate in terms of reconnecting. Honestly, and maybe I’m crazy to think this, but I’ve often thought that if he and I could find a way to be totally open and honest with each other I think I could possibly deal with him being in the office with OW. Maybe I am kidding myself but I can’t help but think that sharing whatever feelings he may be having would likely go a long way to killing them. The key is, can I handle it? My second goal is to work on figuring out how to calm my emotions. Hopefully meeting with my doc and IC this week will start helping me figure that piece out as well.