tonight was tough, I had a minor meltdown, didn't adhere to very many of sandi's rules, just a long tough day, packing, twins going crazy, dept of housing, s7 is booked in for counselling(that's a small positive.)

h came over, one because its family night and two to help dismantle the kids beds, help with some packing.
iwas already flat by the time he got here, and when I started to pack away all our joint memory things, wedding stuff, home videos family mementos, I really lost it, he asked what was wrong, I said I was sick of being the keeper of the sh*t(you know all the stuff that reminds you of what was, why do women always end up with that stuff??) and I think I then launched into I had every right to angry, p*ssed off, and hurt, and that in the past few weeks id done pretty well holding it all together. h didn't really argue too much, took it in.

I did apologise straight away, explained that its just been a rough couple of days, then I started to cry, he was giving me hugs, kisses on the top of my head, saying that he'd do anything to help, and that he really was sorry. that he wasn't helping because he felt guilty, but that he wanted to help.

a little later he said he would like to take some of our memories, photos etc, just not right now(as in tonight) I said take your time they'll be there.

there was a pile of framed photos sitting on top, and h asked if he could take the one on top, I said sure, it was one of us on our wedding day, kissing. I didn't react, but wth??

we were talking in general later, about his house and my house, and it was a nice easy conversation, I said to him, at some point we are going to have to talk about the elephant in the room, he said yes we do, I was referring to the ow, I think he may have been talking about d. good god, how do you navigate around all this?

as he was leaving, he said he'd try to get someone to watch the boys tomorrow night so he could come over and help a bit more(the boys will be with him tomorrow night) I said that would be great if he could, but I would understand if he couldn't, that I appreciated all the help he had given so far.

we had to move our cars around as he was going, he's leaned in the car window to say goodbye and gave me a kiss(again ????)
when I was going inside, I didn't even think, I just did what I normally used to do and yelled out "love ya!" (and then inwardly cringed-told you no dbing here tonight) and he responded with "love you too"

maybe there was a little bit of db in there tonight, I would never in the past had a meltdown(and trust me they've been much worse) and apologised straight away, iwould sulked and ben like a dog with a bone, just kept repeating the same vitriol over and over.

I wouldn't have seen the look on his face and seen this is actually affecting him too, that he responds to my responses.

hmmmm, just a tough place to be in, the move will be a great thing, a new start, a new outlook.

have I a whole lot of damage tonight? I don't know, I saw a few positives, but I could reading into things?? thoughts anyone?