Finding my way - part 2

[Meghan]

Train,

I am, indeed, a do-er and a fixer. I've always held myself to very high standards and, for the most part, I've met them pretty well.

I agree that the relationship that we had is dead, and I'd even venture to say that's a good thing. It wasn't making H. happy, and it wasn't making me happy either. But it's still incredibly difficult to be here with some who looks like my H. and sounds like him but doesn't act like him all that often anymore. I hadn't thought of this as betrayal, per se, but the unwillingness to work on the relationship seems to fit the bill.

I do have moments now where I wonder if what he's offering is good enough. I don't think what he's been offering for the last however many years has been. Although I've greatly appreciated some things that he's done for me, particularly in terms of emotional caregiving, there are a number of things that have been less than ideal. These things would need to change at some point for this to work.

For now, I'm trying to keep my eye on being a better version of myself. It's perhaps a bit too easy to wallow when I'm around people who just want to care for me, but I'm going to try to spend some more time out and about in the world this week and planning for some things that I think will help to improve my life.