Bitter party of 1

[Zues126]

Gosh, we're in such similar spots. I've been trying to change myself since BD 5 weeks ago and it hurts that my credit is no good. I, too, made the mistake of wanting her to change. When I tried to I felt I was the only one working on the R. And even though I'm realizing I was a bit of a monster, she still has some issues that may be a deal breaker if she doesn't own them...except for one thing...I DON'T believe in D and would probably learn to live with some hurt and disappointment my entire life because I figure that's life, no one gets everything they dream of, but I'd rather be disappointed with someone I love forever than on my own.

One thing I've been trying to do to help get beyond my hurt caused by my traditional point of view is to really learn HER point of view. Reading books on how to understand women. Rereading her old emails closer and trying to see the pattern of what she was telling me. Trying to figure out which of her needs I was trampling, and how it must have felt.

For example, I used porn during our R and was very frustrated with our sex life. Sex was one of my most primal needs and she never came close to understanding that. I felt like she didn't love me because she either didn't know or love who I really was...someone that wanted to be WITH HER. It hurt so bad I couldn't see past it. So when I read books or online posts, I was always reading stuff that echoed my point of view so I felt validated, and even tried getting her to read it so SHE would understand ME.

Now I'm doing the opposite. I'm trying to find articles/books on other women dealing with a demanding and delusional H with unrealistic sexual expectations and immature and manipulative tactics when faced with rejection. It's hard to read, it hurts me just to hear that point of view. But it's really good practice for me to deal with those emotions and start to learn where those insecurities are coming from on my end. Like a doctor saying 'does it hurt there' I am trying to figure out where I'm most broken so I can try to take healing steps. And I'm practicing validating her POV in my mind by reading these other things and trying to see past myself.

What specifically do you think you did wrong in the M?
Why was this so difficult for you?
What are you doing to try to get to the heart of that issue?

Maybe it would help if you talked more about the growth you're working on instead of the day by day events. Remember, that's superficial and we can't believe any of it...look deeper, be strong, and take care of yourself!!! Praying for you.