1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

I'm having one of those nights. Exactly 5 weeks from BD.

Am I doing better? Overall, probably. I'm getting through the days at work without too much distraction. I'm having some good times with my friends and family.

But I miss my STBX terribly. I feel so much love for her and wish I could share it. Even when things were tough being together meant a lot to me.

I have just felt weak and whiny. Very angry the last few days. I guess I'm doing good getting in touch with my feelings (although my therapist says anger is just pain that's easier to handle as anger). I'm angry that she would throw our marriage away, that the world seems to support that choice, and that I was dealt a losing hand in terms of me not finding a way to make it work with her. It seems like men these days are obsolete, once kids are born the man is out, got the sperm and child support, I'm now disposable. My confidence is low because I just can't even picture a woman actually wanting a man right now.

I know that's not at all accountable. I was crazy during our R and it was past her ability/willingness to cope. We all have problems, I didn't handle them well at all. And the next minute after I get mad I feel terrible for the hurt I caused now and then and just have love for her and wish she does well. I play the song "Better Things" by the Kinks and cry.

Bond asked me once what I brought to the R. I don't know. What can anyone bring? I have a lot of love in my heart. I believe in our wedding vows. I always provided for my family and allowed her to raise the kids, her lifelong goal. And even when things were tough enough that I felt like leaving (at one point I felt like a single guy that paid my entire income in child support and couldn't date other women) I stayed because I believed that we'd get through and it would be worth it. I've been gifted in many ways and am top .1% of everything I do. But my intensity and high expectations were too unreasonalbe.

I'm not breaking from my goals. Even though I'm lonely I'm not going back to porn. I'm not reaching out to STBX. I understand that she's in a different spot and needs a life without me. I'm trying to work on my 180s (less intense/less angry, focus on needs of others such as my children, validate and see past my POV, get in touch with my emotions and live more in the present). And I've been doing all of this in our contacts.

Just wanted to say this road is really hard, lonely, and heartbreaking. You all already know that. But had to tell someone because I'm a bit low right now.

CLIFF NOTES: Detach backslide, acceptance backslide to anger/depression. POSITIVE: Not letting emotions control behavior, staying strong/mature and working on healthier activity such as journaling in this post, praying for strength, reflecting on how I can grow from this, and being APPRECIATIVE for what the universe has given me.

Good night and wish you all well.