Saving my marriage by focusing on ME!

[PeterV2]

Ox, I recommend you stop all mention of OM. Don't think about him. Don't talk about him. If she brings him up, put your hand up and say you don't really care to hear about him. If she continues walk out of the room.

I say this because you keep harping on about OM. Forget him. He's a controlling a-hole and your W even admits that. Just let it be. The A, even if it's now only an EA, will die a natural death. Stop poking it. Just let it die on its own.

So by not concerning yourself with OM anymore you are going to free up a whole whack of thinking time. Use that time to work on yourself.

And while you're at it, don't concern yourself where your W is. She's a free person and an adult and can make her own choices.

This will free up even more brain time for you.

All of us in these sitches need to learn to detach. That means working on yourself and GAL. Stop worrying about what she's doing and who she's with. You have no control over her.

I know I have no control over my W. The only thing I can control is me and even that's a major challenge. So I control my thinking. I control my words when communicating. I try to control my feelings. And when my W comes to me to talk I listen intently, trying to understand what she's saying, and trying my darnedest not to react with anything but appropriate validation and/or empathy. If she's pushing my buttons I'll put my hands in a T shape and ask for a time out. Then I'll go outside and take a few breaths and once I've collected myself return to the conversation.

Your W expects certain reactions from you when she says things - those are the reactions you are in the habit of making. Do a 180. React totally differently when she says things. This will take some trial and error, but it's needed in your sitch.

Your MC says you need to become the husband your wife wants. I disagree. You need to become the man that any wife would want. Then if your W doesn't want you, it's her loss. (paraphrased from Sandi's rules: become the H only a fool would leave)